I May Seem….

I’m Still Crazy

Written on August 7, 2018

9:31pm-9:45pm

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore,

Oh how you’re so wrong

Even after all these years

Even with all these medications

I’m still insane,

I still hear voices whispering in my ear

And see shadows lurking in the corner of my eyes

And on some days I still feel like skipping out on life

How I wish for this pain to end!

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore

I may seem good

And happy on the outside

But on the inside

I’m broken and hurting,

I’ve wanted to yell and scream out loud

But I know nobody will listen

So I keep my pain on the inside

And I suffer alone,

I’m not cured

I’ve lost my sanity many years ago

So to you who thinks they know me

How little they do,

For on the outside I seem fine

But on the inside I’m yearning for attention

And all you’ll do is turn a blind eye on my pleas

So when you ask me what’s wrong

I’ll just lie

You think I’m cured

Or at least not crazy anymore

Oh how I wish I could tell you were wrong.

Saving Her?

Written on January 6-7, 2017

(*)
The blood runs down her arms like water on rocks
She sees that there’s no hope left in her life
Because every day she’s belittled and abused
By those she thought she could call family
They tell her she’s wasn’t even supposed to be born
So here she is 16 years later, staring at the knife in her hand

She wanders why nobody bothered to take her hand
And bothered to take her past these raggedy rocks
She wishes she could have been born
Into a world where her very life
Was something special and appreciated by a family
Who didn’t have to use her and abused

Her. All she wanted was to be loved, but all she got was endless abuse
For within her world, all she saw was the back of her father’s hand
That smile she once held, no longer existed, she just wanted to a new family
In a place where she’s not surrounded by jagged rocks
There’s a moment in time where she thought about how her life
Was meant for something much more, she wishes she wasn’t born

She was trying to figure out why she was born,
She was tired of all of this relentless abuse
Was she just meant to live a life
Or was she meant to bare these scars on her hands
She thought about jumping out onto these rugged rocks
But she keep thinking about a life with a family

That she could have. A loving family
In which she was born
In, but these rugged rocks
Have kept her in this place of abuse
‘Please oh guardian angel, won’t you take my hand?
Take me away from this terrible life?’

She cries out. But this is the life
She was born in and the family
Who doesn’t care about the scars on her hands
Why couldn’t she have been born
In a place where there isn’t abuse
A place over these jagged rocks

She tried to take her life
Because of what her family
Has has put into her hands.

©2017 Alexandra19

Trust This Smile Not

Written on April 18, 2018
4:49pm-5:00pm

(*)
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Cause this appearance can be misleading
I’ve put on this mask way to many times to count,
And now I’m starting to believe in it,
But trust this smile not,
For behind this smile is a damaged soul
A soul whose light is fading away,
This smile you see now isn’t real
Because it doesn’t reach my heart,
Trust this smile not,
For appearances can be misleading
I’ve said ‘I’m ok….I’m not suffering….’ too many times
But none of it is the truth,
Cause i am suffering and I’m not ok,
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Behind this smile you’ll see a girl crying out for help
But none will come to sweep her off her feet
Trust this smile not,
This smile that you see now, is hiding a world of hurt and pain
But you’ll never be able to notice it,
Cause this smile that you see isn’t real,
But it’s convincing enough to reassure you everything is alright
Trust this smile not,
Because if you do, I’ll just lie about my pain
But I can’t lie to myself on how I really feel.

©2018 Alexandra19

Cold….Hard

Written on January 15, 2014

(*)
Cold…..hard,
Why would you be so cold?
Life it’s hard,
Hard right now.
Now you must see,
That I’ve been in pain.

But you put on your charade,
Only she and I see through it.
You only mean to cause us,
Cold….hard,
Pain.

That’s all you’ve ever give.
But you ensnare all others,
In your little trap.
But not me and her.
We will prevail.
Why?

You got to be so,
Cold…..hard.
All your heart ever is,
Rage to inflict pain,
Onto others.
Cold…..hard.

(*)
This poem was written during the time when my mom and dad were getting a divorced. In this poem it talks about how he was putting on an act, acting like he was the nicest guy around, but in reality he isn’t. He was playing mister nice guy and putting on a fake mask for everyone around him. But my mom and I could see through his mask and lies and we weren’t easily ensnared in his web of deception.

© 2014 Alexandra19

How Can You Expect Me…

Written on March 23, 2018
11:42am-11:54am

(*)
You’re always judging me,
Criticizing what I do or say
So how can you expect me to stay
And lie about how everything’s alright?
I can no longer hold back these tears that I’ve been suppressing
When the sun goes down
I’ll take comfort in knowing that you can’t hear my screams,
For behind this closed door
Lies a dying soul
Whose ready to leave the pain behind
And is afraid to leave you as well,
But you’re always judging me
Twisting the truth in many ways
So how can you expect me to say
That everything is alright,
These tears that I’ve been holding back
I no longer can contain
So I cry the night away
And I’ve lost hope that our lives will ever be the same
Because you’re never there for me
When I look for you,
You’re not there,
So how can you expect me to stay,
And lie about how everything is alright?

©2018 Alexandra19

Who Would Listen?

Written on March 18, 2017:
9:43am-9:56am

(*)
Lying, being deceitful
Not knowing what to do,
People yelling at me
Who am I?
Am I worthless?
Am I cold hearted?
Will I be able to speak
Speak out the truth
About how I feel?
Who would listen
Listen to this fading soul?
Would it matter
If I scream and cry
Begging someone to listen
Listen to this beating heart,
Won’t anyone help me
Before it’s to late
Too late to save me!

©2017 Alexandra19

I’ve Been Told…

Written on March 6, 2018 

(*)

I’ve been told that crying was unacceptable,
that showing any sort of emotion is wrong
So I built a wall within my mind
To keep these emotions from seeping out,
But this wall can’t prevent emotions from coming in
So if I start to cry, I make myself stop,
Because you’ve told me crying was unacceptable
You kept telling me that straighten up my act
To stop acting like a baby,
So now I don’t allow myself to cry in front of you or others
But I so desperately need to tell you how I’m feeling
But I act like nothing’s wrong
Cause you’ve told me that showing any sort of emotions is wrong
I can no longer contain these tears that flow from my eyes
But I wipe them away when you look my way,
For if you were to see this broken-hearted gal,
What would you think?
But instead I smile and say that I’m alright
Because crying is unacceptable and showing emotion is wrong.

©2018 Alexandra19

Your Fake Love

Written on August 9, 2016

When I met you, I thought I was in love
Boy did I screw things up
You said you loved me and wouldn’t hurt me again
Oh how I fell for those lies
Your dazzling blue eyes hid something much deeper
Something much darker and sinister
But I kept coming back for more
Your eyes were hypnotizing and full of false hope
You ensnared me in your web of trickery
But I couldn’t stay away
Oh how I wanted your love
But never found it
Where were you when I need you the most
You’d drink all night and beat on me all day
But I couldn’t stay away
Because you said you’re sorry
Said I didn’t mean to
It’d never happen again,
You kept me from seeing the truth
Kept pulling on my strings
How I fell for your deception
You hid behind this curtain of false hope
I couldn’t get away
I knew it was unsafe
But I kept coming back for more
You told these magnificent lies to keep me at bay
Little did I know you were cheating on me
All I ever wanted was to be loved and cared for
But all you ever wanted was my body
So why do I keep coming back to you
Others told me to get away before it was too late
But it was already too late to save me
My blood has been spilt on this ground
The police had to be called
Now your going to jail
They ask me on the way to the hospital
‘Madam, why didn’t you leave?’
I just stare up at the ceiling of the ambulance and say nothing
Wondering to myself
‘Why didn’t I leave the first time?
Was it because I actually loved you,
Or was it because I was scared to leave?’
But now you’re gone
And I’m left with these scars
And worse yet,
I’ll never be the same
I can never trust another man again
It’s hard to build a relationship
But some how deep inside
I still love you!!

(*)
This poem talks about any women/men who go through an abusive relationship, and can’t get out. This poem talks about how the guy/woman abuses their partner to the point where they are so controlling of the other person that the abused person can’t leave for fear of getting hurt even worse. But trust me when I say this: the abuse is never your fault, and there’s a way to get out of it. I personally was never in an abusive relationship but my mother was, for a while, until she kicked the guy out of our house. If you are being abused by your partner and can’t feel like you can go to anyone, you can always go to the police or you can email me at springbird21@gmail.com and I’ll contact you right back. Just tell me who you are and why you’re messaging me. So that way I’ll return you’re message right back.

©2016 Alexandra19

Addiction

Written on May 25, 2016

(*)
Addiction, it’s a demon that takes control of you
Once you start, it’ll never let you go
You’ll become ensnared in it’s web of lies
With no where to go but downwards
This demon makes it hard for you to stop
It tells you many lies and manipulates the truth
That everybody tell you
Once you start, it’s harder to stop
Even when you want to
This demon tells you are worthless
That no body cares that you are suffering
But in reality they do,
This demon tugs at you mind
And isolates you from the rest of the world
You start to believe in the demon
When it’s lies starts to sound believable
So you allow the demon to take control
And you are wanting more and more
Of what ever you find closet and accessible,
When others tell you that you have an addiction
You shrug your shoulders and give them the bird,
You’ve allowed this demon to take over your life
And now your spiraling out of control
Down a path you never thought you’d up end at
Now you’re laying there in the cold and darkness
Wondering where things went wrong
And why nobody is hanging around you
You’ve allowed this demon to take control
Allowed it to tell you many lies
Now you here, all alone
Wondering if anyone still cares
Don’t lose hope when all seem lost
For you have a Mighty God
Who is still looking out for you
Grab His hand that He is stretching out towards you
And He’ll pull you out from this darkness of despair
This demon that has taken over your life
Will be vanquished by His mighty word
So whenever you start to believe in this demon’s lies
And find yourself pushing others away
Just know you are not alone
Addiction it consumes tons of people every day
Don’t fall into the demon’s web of lies
There is hope for you yet
Just give Him a chance
And He’ll save you from wanting more and more
Of those nasty accessible things.

©2017 Alexandra19

Icy Fingers

Written on August 11, 2015

(*)
Icy fingers silently creep across the sky,
You can see them,
You know they’re there,
Whenever they brush against your bare skin,
You can see them move the branches in the trees.
(Wind)

But you can’t see these icy fingers,
The ones that snake their way into your life,
Into the depths of your mind,
The only fingers that are able to,
Wrap themselves around your mind.
(Words)

Icy fingers causes you to doubt,
Doubt the truth from the lies,
They squeeze and tighten,
So then you can’t tell right from wrong,
Icy fingers work their way downwards.
(Manipulation)

To your heart they go,
When the heart becomes troubled,
You better be ready,
Ready for a hell of a storm,
A wave of confusion and aching will come.
(Heartache)

Not knowing what to do?
Where can you go?
You’re aching all over
Icy fingers causing chaos in your life,
Icy fingers crushing your soul.
(Confusion)

You’re left with nothing,
Icy fingers have ruined your life,
You’re a being without any life,
They have caused this to happen,
You are a being in the ground without a heartbeat.
(Death)

(*)
This poem is about the words that people say to you. These words are like an unknown seen force that makes its way into your mind, where it causes you to doubt yourself. The words in parentheses are what the ‘icy fingers’ are. For example ‘The only fingers that are able to, Wrap themselves around your mind. (Words)’ The word in parentheses tells you what the lines before it is all about.

©2017 Alexandra19