Introduction

Hi there my name is Alexis and I’ve been writing poetry ever since I was old enough to form complete sentences that made sense, which was probably when I was in elementary school. And I’ve only gotten better at my writing and have improved my spelling and grammar.

Writing poetry is a way I can express myself in a manner that is therapeutic and relaxing and in a way I can’t hurt other people’s feelings. I usually write whenever I’m really upset or sad or frustrated at something that has happened to me that certain day.

I have written at least 200 poems since I was elementary school and someday I hope to publish them in a book. I hope you guys enjoy my poems.

(*)
Copyright Notice
©(2017) Alexis. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this book may be reproduced or copied without the expressed written permission of the Author.

I May Seem….

Round The Circle Of Life Goes

Written on August 14, 2018

Round and round the circle of life goes

Around and around time goes by in one big circle

Nobody knows when it’ll stop,

From point A to point B

The circle of life goes

Never stopping for anything or anyone

Not taking time to pause and wait for me

Round and round the circle of life goes

Never stopping for a second

Nobody knows when it’ll stop

But they still try to make time pause just for a second

But time is ruthless

And unforgiving

Never stopping for anyone or anything

It’ll slip by like the wintery cold wind

Round and round the circle of life goes

Never stopping for anything or anyone

It can take life

And it can give life

But it’ll never cease to exist,

For time will continue to run around for eternity.

© 2018 Alexandra19

God’s Wisdom And Promises by Jack Countryman book review

God’s Wisdom And Promises by Jack Countryman

This book is the perfect book if you’re looking for encouragement in your life. It gives NKJV Bible verses for different promises about: ‘Walking With Christ, Sexual Temptation, Depression, When You Need Confidence, and so much more.’ It has 15 Topics with multiple subtopics underneath each one that go into more detail about the main topic.

I found this book very enjoyable and informational. It has the Promises of God in easy to read text and topics that relate to my life. This book is a small hardcover book and is easy to carry around. I’d recommend this book to people who need some encouragement from the Word of God.

Disclaimer: I got this book from www.booklookbloggers.com as a complimentary copy

Look how many followers I have! 38 followers

Can I Have Any Mercy

There’s a heart that cries out, 
It cries out for help where there is none,
This fragile life is falling apart,
Bit by bit
Until there’s nothing left,
Can I have any mercy….
And pity before my life ends,
Before I tear apart your life at it’s seams
Until there’s nothing left of you,
I’ll ruin your life
For you have ruined mine,
I’ll tear you apart right at the heart
At the mind and soul
Until you are just like me,
Withering in pain
Wanting to know when it will end,
How could people be so cruel to such a light-hearted person
And want to destroy her soul,
If I could….
I’d restart my life as someone else
In a much better world 
Without all the pain and misery

I’m Still Crazy

Written on August 7, 2018

9:31pm-9:45pm

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore,

Oh how you’re so wrong

Even after all these years

Even with all these medications

I’m still insane,

I still hear voices whispering in my ear

And see shadows lurking in the corner of my eyes

And on some days I still feel like skipping out on life

How I wish for this pain to end!

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore

I may seem good

And happy on the outside

But on the inside

I’m broken and hurting,

I’ve wanted to yell and scream out loud

But I know nobody will listen

So I keep my pain on the inside

And I suffer alone,

I’m not cured

I’ve lost my sanity many years ago

So to you who thinks they know me

How little they do,

For on the outside I seem fine

But on the inside I’m yearning for attention

And all you’ll do is turn a blind eye on my pleas

So when you ask me what’s wrong

I’ll just lie

You think I’m cured

Or at least not crazy anymore

Oh how I wish I could tell you were wrong.

Saving Her?

Written on January 6-7, 2017

(*)
The blood runs down her arms like water on rocks
She sees that there’s no hope left in her life
Because every day she’s belittled and abused
By those she thought she could call family
They tell her she’s wasn’t even supposed to be born
So here she is 16 years later, staring at the knife in her hand

She wanders why nobody bothered to take her hand
And bothered to take her past these raggedy rocks
She wishes she could have been born
Into a world where her very life
Was something special and appreciated by a family
Who didn’t have to use her and abused

Her. All she wanted was to be loved, but all she got was endless abuse
For within her world, all she saw was the back of her father’s hand
That smile she once held, no longer existed, she just wanted to a new family
In a place where she’s not surrounded by jagged rocks
There’s a moment in time where she thought about how her life
Was meant for something much more, she wishes she wasn’t born

She was trying to figure out why she was born,
She was tired of all of this relentless abuse
Was she just meant to live a life
Or was she meant to bare these scars on her hands
She thought about jumping out onto these rugged rocks
But she keep thinking about a life with a family

That she could have. A loving family
In which she was born
In, but these rugged rocks
Have kept her in this place of abuse
‘Please oh guardian angel, won’t you take my hand?
Take me away from this terrible life?’

She cries out. But this is the life
She was born in and the family
Who doesn’t care about the scars on her hands
Why couldn’t she have been born
In a place where there isn’t abuse
A place over these jagged rocks

She tried to take her life
Because of what her family
Has has put into her hands.

©2017 Alexandra19

This Imperfect Box

Written on May 1, 2018
11:06am-11:16am

(*)
I’ve tried to keep You contained in a perfect box
Without any dents or broken edges,
But You weren’t meant to be contained in this box of mine
You were sent to save me from the world’s perspectives
And what the world has molded me into,
You’ve came to take me out of this box
That I have created for myself,
The box that is dented and broken,
I’ve tried to keep my flaws and mistakes contained
But You said to me ‘Come to me with all of your flaws and mistakes,
For I will wipe them clean and you’ll start anew.’
I’ve tried to keep You contained in this perfect box
Without any dents or broken edges,
But You weren’t meant to be contained in any box
Because You’ve come to give me a fresh start
To wipe away all my sins and remove this box
That has kept me from seeing You for who You really are.

©2018 Alexandra19

Trust This Smile Not

Written on April 18, 2018
4:49pm-5:00pm

(*)
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Cause this appearance can be misleading
I’ve put on this mask way to many times to count,
And now I’m starting to believe in it,
But trust this smile not,
For behind this smile is a damaged soul
A soul whose light is fading away,
This smile you see now isn’t real
Because it doesn’t reach my heart,
Trust this smile not,
For appearances can be misleading
I’ve said ‘I’m ok….I’m not suffering….’ too many times
But none of it is the truth,
Cause i am suffering and I’m not ok,
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Behind this smile you’ll see a girl crying out for help
But none will come to sweep her off her feet
Trust this smile not,
This smile that you see now, is hiding a world of hurt and pain
But you’ll never be able to notice it,
Cause this smile that you see isn’t real,
But it’s convincing enough to reassure you everything is alright
Trust this smile not,
Because if you do, I’ll just lie about my pain
But I can’t lie to myself on how I really feel.

©2018 Alexandra19

The Lost Will Be Found….

Written on April 15, 2018
1:36pm-1:51pm

(*)
I believe….
I believe that there is still hope for the lost,
The lost will become found once again and
And that there’ll be a light to guide them through the dark
The dark will only last for a while and the sun will rise in the east,
Will rise in the east and we will find hope once more
Once more will You call out our names one by one,
By one person’s faith in humanity can we move mountains,
Mountains will try block our view from the light of the Lord’s grace,
Grace will be given to those who are lost and in need of help,
Help will come, but all you gotta do is wait and be still
Be still and know that there’s still hope for the lost
The lost will become found once again and I will not be held back
Held back from the truth that has been set before me,
Me, myself, will believe that You will rescue the lost
The lost will become found once again, for I believe
I believe that hope will raise up.

©2018 Alexandra19

Cold….Hard

Written on January 15, 2014

(*)
Cold…..hard,
Why would you be so cold?
Life it’s hard,
Hard right now.
Now you must see,
That I’ve been in pain.

But you put on your charade,
Only she and I see through it.
You only mean to cause us,
Cold….hard,
Pain.

That’s all you’ve ever give.
But you ensnare all others,
In your little trap.
But not me and her.
We will prevail.
Why?

You got to be so,
Cold…..hard.
All your heart ever is,
Rage to inflict pain,
Onto others.
Cold…..hard.

(*)
This poem was written during the time when my mom and dad were getting a divorced. In this poem it talks about how he was putting on an act, acting like he was the nicest guy around, but in reality he isn’t. He was playing mister nice guy and putting on a fake mask for everyone around him. But my mom and I could see through his mask and lies and we weren’t easily ensnared in his web of deception.

© 2014 Alexandra19

As The Thunder Booms

Written on March 26, 2018
10:32am-10:44am

(*)
Thunder booms loudly
as the lightening cracks across the sky,
Rain pours down onto this cold world
Washing away the pain that I’ve been feeling
As the rain comes down,
I’ll finally be able to cry these tears of regret
And disappointment and shame,
For when it begins to rain
I’ll be able to show you how I truly feel
But every time you glance my way
I’ll hide these tears amongst the rain-droplets
Because I’m to ashamed to tell you that I’m afraid
Afraid that you’ll reject me if you truly knew,
Knew that I’m broken and bleeding out from this gunshot wound,
But as the thunder booms
And the lightening cracks across the sky
I’ll finally be able to show you how I truly feel,
But I’ll mask these tears with the raindrops that fall from the sky,
For I could never let you see how sad I feel am.

©2018 Alexandra19

How Can You Expect Me…

Written on March 23, 2018
11:42am-11:54am

(*)
You’re always judging me,
Criticizing what I do or say
So how can you expect me to stay
And lie about how everything’s alright?
I can no longer hold back these tears that I’ve been suppressing
When the sun goes down
I’ll take comfort in knowing that you can’t hear my screams,
For behind this closed door
Lies a dying soul
Whose ready to leave the pain behind
And is afraid to leave you as well,
But you’re always judging me
Twisting the truth in many ways
So how can you expect me to say
That everything is alright,
These tears that I’ve been holding back
I no longer can contain
So I cry the night away
And I’ve lost hope that our lives will ever be the same
Because you’re never there for me
When I look for you,
You’re not there,
So how can you expect me to stay,
And lie about how everything is alright?

©2018 Alexandra19

From Time to Time

Written on March 18, 2017

(*)
From time to time I let the world see
See these tears that I’ve kept hidden
But there was something that I didn’t foresee
Because my life was being rewritten,

I’ve tried to keep my cool, but I couldn’t keep it contain
From your sight, so I had to lie
About how I was going insane,
But I can no longer trust those who were to be my ally

I lied to you, so then you wouldn’t get hurt
I wanted to save you from the pain of grief
I didn’t mean to shatter your heart
But in the night, I’ll be like a thief

Who will steal your life away
As my life line wanes
I will start to decay,
But before I do, I’ll break these chains

That have kept me tied to this false reality
So for now, I’ll keep these tears hidden
So then I wouldn’t cause you agony
Of feeling of being grief-stricken,

But from time to time I will let the world see
See these tears that I’ve kept hidden
But there was something that I didn’t foresee
Because my life was being rewritten.

©2017 Alexandra19

Who Would Listen?

Written on March 18, 2017:
9:43am-9:56am

(*)
Lying, being deceitful
Not knowing what to do,
People yelling at me
Who am I?
Am I worthless?
Am I cold hearted?
Will I be able to speak
Speak out the truth
About how I feel?
Who would listen
Listen to this fading soul?
Would it matter
If I scream and cry
Begging someone to listen
Listen to this beating heart,
Won’t anyone help me
Before it’s to late
Too late to save me!

©2017 Alexandra19

Family We Are Meant To Be

Written on March 16, 2017:
3:29pm-3:52pm

(*)
Family we were meant to be
At that time you did not know
What was about to happen,
When you first laid eyes on me
You knew I was the one for you
So as the months went by
You made the decision
To make me part of your family
Then on December 5, you made it official
I am now part of, what will become,
You’re ever growing family
It will probably be one of the best decisions
To make me a part of your family,
Then as the years passed by
You adopted two more kids
And give birth to two others
Now almost fifteen years later
A lot has changed since that day
When you first laid eyes on me,
But I’m still that sweet girl
You fell in love with
And you are the same mother
That I fell in love with,
The years will go by
Sometimes slowly
And sometimes quickly
But whatever the case may be
You are my mother
And I’m your baby girl
When your gray haired and can’t see
I’ll be there by your side
Holding your hand and
Telling you that everything will be alright
But for now
It’s a week until my twentieth birthday
And I’m still in need of your guidance and love
I know that you’ll always be there for me,
So family we are meant to be!

©2016 Alexandra19

Cutting

Written on December 29, 2017

(*)
Cutting
It’s been a temptation
For those who seek attention
Or who have no idea on how to channel their feelings,
Cutting
Who’d have guessed
I’d be tempted by it
I didn’t know how to
Express these swirling emotions
That were in my head,
Cutting
It hurts
When the demons
Tell you that you are worthless
And yet you believed in their lies
Even though it’s not true,
Cutting
It’s an addiction
Once you start, it’s hard to stop
But just know that you’re not alone
Cause I too have dealt with this temptation
And I have conquered it,
Cutting
Relieves the pain you have bottled up inside you
When no one else seems to understand,
But you don’t need to worry anymore
Cause He will save you from your suffering,
Cutting
It’s an addiction
But you can overcome it.

©2017 Alexandra19

I’ve Been Told…

Written on March 6, 2018 

(*)

I’ve been told that crying was unacceptable,
that showing any sort of emotion is wrong
So I built a wall within my mind
To keep these emotions from seeping out,
But this wall can’t prevent emotions from coming in
So if I start to cry, I make myself stop,
Because you’ve told me crying was unacceptable
You kept telling me that straighten up my act
To stop acting like a baby,
So now I don’t allow myself to cry in front of you or others
But I so desperately need to tell you how I’m feeling
But I act like nothing’s wrong
Cause you’ve told me that showing any sort of emotions is wrong
I can no longer contain these tears that flow from my eyes
But I wipe them away when you look my way,
For if you were to see this broken-hearted gal,
What would you think?
But instead I smile and say that I’m alright
Because crying is unacceptable and showing emotion is wrong.

©2018 Alexandra19

Tell The World….

Written on April 19, 2017

(*)
Tell the world that He is coming back
Back from heaven to save us sinners
Sinners prepare for Him to save you from Satan’s trap
Satan’s trap has kept us from getting to Christ
Christ will come back down from the heavens
The heavens will open up for those who deserve
Those who deserve His love and mercy
Mercy on those don’t deserve it and He will show
Will show the world that He has beaten death
Death no longer holds mastery over Him, because
Because He has died on that wooden cross
On that cross He said ‘It is finished’, then He took
Took His last breath and gave up His Spirit to His Father
His Father told us that He gave His one and only Son so
So our sins could be forgiven, so go ahead
Ahead and shout it from the mountain tops that Jesus Christ
That Jesus Christ is coming back, so go ahead and tell the masses
The masses that He is near, so sinners prepare yourselves
Prepare yourselves for God’s Son to give you mercy
Mercy that you thought you didn’t deserve, but have hope
Have hope for your souls, because He has risen
He has risen for three days and then ascended to heaven
Heaven is where He sits at the right hand of God and where
Where He has promised us eternal life, so
So tell the world that He is coming back.

©2017 Alexandra19

Losing Control

Written on March 6, 2017

(*)
Can’t hold it in any more
Gonna lose control
Who’s to blame
When the demon takes over me
I’m letting go of hope
Can’t think straight
My heart has been ripped out of my chest
By the words that you said to me
I’ve been given too many labels to count
I’m no longer defined as my own self
But as a mistake of my past
I can’t see part this storm of darkness
That hides the fact that I’m in loved
But who will save me from my nightmares
And take me away from this hellish place
Is my fate sealed to just be a loner
Or am I just set to be a failure?

©2017 Alexandra19

Your Fake Love

Written on August 9, 2016

When I met you, I thought I was in love
Boy did I screw things up
You said you loved me and wouldn’t hurt me again
Oh how I fell for those lies
Your dazzling blue eyes hid something much deeper
Something much darker and sinister
But I kept coming back for more
Your eyes were hypnotizing and full of false hope
You ensnared me in your web of trickery
But I couldn’t stay away
Oh how I wanted your love
But never found it
Where were you when I need you the most
You’d drink all night and beat on me all day
But I couldn’t stay away
Because you said you’re sorry
Said I didn’t mean to
It’d never happen again,
You kept me from seeing the truth
Kept pulling on my strings
How I fell for your deception
You hid behind this curtain of false hope
I couldn’t get away
I knew it was unsafe
But I kept coming back for more
You told these magnificent lies to keep me at bay
Little did I know you were cheating on me
All I ever wanted was to be loved and cared for
But all you ever wanted was my body
So why do I keep coming back to you
Others told me to get away before it was too late
But it was already too late to save me
My blood has been spilt on this ground
The police had to be called
Now your going to jail
They ask me on the way to the hospital
‘Madam, why didn’t you leave?’
I just stare up at the ceiling of the ambulance and say nothing
Wondering to myself
‘Why didn’t I leave the first time?
Was it because I actually loved you,
Or was it because I was scared to leave?’
But now you’re gone
And I’m left with these scars
And worse yet,
I’ll never be the same
I can never trust another man again
It’s hard to build a relationship
But some how deep inside
I still love you!!

(*)
This poem talks about any women/men who go through an abusive relationship, and can’t get out. This poem talks about how the guy/woman abuses their partner to the point where they are so controlling of the other person that the abused person can’t leave for fear of getting hurt even worse. But trust me when I say this: the abuse is never your fault, and there’s a way to get out of it. I personally was never in an abusive relationship but my mother was, for a while, until she kicked the guy out of our house. If you are being abused by your partner and can’t feel like you can go to anyone, you can always go to the police or you can email me at springbird21@gmail.com and I’ll contact you right back. Just tell me who you are and why you’re messaging me. So that way I’ll return you’re message right back.

©2016 Alexandra19

Behind This Smile

Written on February 5, 2017:
9:01am-9:11am

(*)
This smile that you see, isn’t real
For it’s the smile that you’re expecting to see
But not the one I truly mean
Behind this false smile, lies a stranger whose smile is lost,
For I’ve forgotten how to smile
This smile you see, doesn’t reach my heart
But only reaches the surface of my face
For behind this smile lies a stranger whose in pain
And aching for someone to notice that this smile isn’t real
But behind this smile lies silent tears
Tears that are only heard from closed doors
This smile that you see, isn’t real
For it’s the smile that you’re expecting to see,
Because I’ve forgotten how to smile and mean it.

©2018 Alexandra19

Set Ablaze Within My Soul

Written on February 1, 2018:
8:16am-8:31am

(*)
You’ve set something ablaze within my soul
it’s a burning desire to escape this prison cell
this cell that has no way to escape,
that is until You set Your sights on my shattered heart
You lit a light in this dark and barren place
You made it possible for there to be a way out
a way out of this impossible dungeon cell,
You’ve set something ablaze within my soul
it’s a burning desire to reach towards Your open arms
where You made it possible to see through the impossible.

©2018 Alexandra19

Never Knowing

Written on January 5, 2018
1:03pm-1:17pm

(*)
Never knowing,
Never fully understanding
why I have chosen to keep quiet,
why I pretend that everything is alright,
why I never let you see me cry
because behind this lie that I have built,
(this lie that shows you that I’m ok),
you will see a damaged girl that broken beyond repair,
you’ll never fully understand why I’ve kept my pain from you,
but if you were to listen in the dead of night,
you might hear my cries echoing from behind closed doors,
but I’ve created this lie so well,
that you wouldn’t even be able to notice
how broken and hurt I really am,
but in some ways, you’re the one who made me this way,
told me that I couldn’t cry a lot,
told me to stop acting like a baby,
but I’ll wouldn’t let you know how I truly felt,
for fear of your reaction,
never knowing,
never fully understanding
why I have chosen to kept quiet about my pain.

©Alexandra19

We Can Do The Impossible

‘We cannot walk alone.’ stated Martin Luther King JR, ‘We cannot turn back….’ Martin Luther King Jr had a dream where one day our nation would rise up as one where all men are created equally. He believed that no matter the difficulties that will happen today or tomorrow, we can overcome them. Fifty-five years ago on August 23, 1963 he gave his famous ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, and thanks to his beliefs and determination his dream came true. I truly believe that when Martin gave his speech he knew that it’d be a powerful message to the world, and especially to the USA.

After the Civil Rights movement we begun to desegregate as a nation, and to this day we are luck to not have to suffer segregation anymore. We owe this new found ability to go to schools, offices, ride buses, etc with different races of people because of the actions and beliefs of the people who fought for what was right. Like Martin said ‘We cannot walk alone…nor can we turn back…’ because when we fight for the same cause together and we don’t turn back to what once was, we can accomplish anything as a nation. So when you have a strong opinion on something, don’t give up on it, because if you believe in it, then it’ll come true; just like Martin Luther King JR did with his dream.

©2018 Alexandra19

Starting Today Anew

Written on January 1, 2018
12:52pm-1:00pm

(*)
Today is the beginning of a new year,
A beginning of a fresh start,
It’s the day to shed off the old life
And put on a new coat,
To throw away past mistakes, failures
Old relationships that never worked out, etc
Then to start over anew,
To start a brand new life
Where everything from last year can just be a faint memory,
And soon become just a lost dream,
But you have to make the choice to make this year the best
The year where everything is going to be better,
Your past mistakes don’t define you as a person,
Nor do they tell you that you can’t move forwards,
Today is the beginning of a new year,
A a beginning of a fresh start,
A day to begin a new life,
But it’s all up to you whether you’ll have a great year.

©2018 Alexandra19

Maintaining Faith

Written on December 28, 2017

(*)

Hope is all that remains
In the world I once knew
I’ve got to keep a chain on what little faith is left and maintain
Maintain a course of hope and pursue

Pursue a life with you my Lord
When you saw these tears
You chose to cut this cord
Of the lies I used to bear

While I still fell away from you
You chose to die on the cross
For those many who ensue
Their very own loss

I’m on my knees
Crying out your name
For you I try to appease,
The name you graciously claim

Who could have ever known
You’d save a sinner like me
I’ve decided to atone
For the things I’ve disagree

Now I’ve come to You as a humble servant
With my head hung low
I’ve decided to stop listening to this serpent
And have decided to grow

Grow towards you my Lord
Because you have cut this sinful cord.

©2017 Alexandra19

Twelve Days of Christmas

Written on December 3, 2016

(*)

On the first day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
A family to call my own.

On the second day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the third day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me Eight butterfly kisses,
Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Nine years plus ten years worth of love
Eight butterfly kisses,
Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Ten years worth of life lessons,
Nine years plus ten years worth of love
Eight butterfly kisses,
Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me
Eleven trips to the bookstore,
Ten years worth of life lessons,
Nine years plus ten years worth of love
Eight butterfly kisses,
Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My mother gave to me Twelve million “I love you”,
Eleven trips to the bookstore,
Ten years worth of life lessons,
Nine years plus ten years worth of love,
Eight butterfly kisses,
Seven wishes to wish,
Six dollars worth of change,
Five history books,
Four crazy brothers,
Three bear hugs,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a family to call my own!

Today’s A Mess…But There’s Hope Tomorrow

Written on October 11, 2017

(*)

My life was in ruins
and my heart in shambles,
what’s left of my sanity has been shredded into pieces
I cried out for someone to notice the hurt that I’ve been feeling
but they all pass me by
like a stranger on the street,
I begin to wonder if my life has any meaning?
Who will see these tears that I cry
or see that I’m losing hope in mankind,
When I disappear from your sight
will you notice,
or will you continue on with your life?
My life was in ruins
and my heart shambles
but somehow I managed to make it through until the next day
where the light at the end of tunnel started to appear,
Even though today’s a mess
and it seems like there’s no hope,
I will always remember that:
no matter how tough life gets today,
there will always be hope waiting for me
when the sun starts to rise again the next day.

There’s A Light In Me

There’s a light in me,
Can you see it?
I sure can.
Maybe I just don’t show it,
But if I showed it,
What would you do?
There’s a light in me,
Can you see it?
No, why not?
Is it because I don’t show it?
But wait don’t leave!
I can show you this light of mine,
Would you love me then?
There’s a light in me,
Can you see it?
Not yet,
Well if I loved you,
Would you see it?
If I gave you my love,
Would you see my light?
There’s a light in me,
Can you see it?

The Power

Written on November 15, 2017

(*)
I am the one with the power
the power to change world
my world, my life, it’s all up to me
up to me to decide what will happen
what will happen with my life
life goes by and people want me to do this
to do this or that, but only I
I have the choice to do what’s right
what’s right in my eyes may seem wrong to another
another person can’t make my choices for me
for me, because I am the one who can control
can control my thoughts, words, and actions,
actions are done by one’s own self
one’s own self can’t be controlled by others
others will try, but only I have the power
the power to control my world.

(*)
This poem is my 169th poem that I’ve written in my life. It basically states how I am the one and only person who can control myself. Nobody can control me or make me do something I don’t want to do. They may try to make me do something that i won’t want to do, but they can’t. I am in control of my words, actions and thoughts.

©2017 Alexandra19

Without Saying A Word

Written on July 25, 2017

(*)
Without saying a word
You saw right through my masquerade,
And no matter how hard I tried to evade
my emotions, you reassured

me that everything will be alright,
But I kept pushing you away
because I didn’t want to betray
you, so I ran away from your sight

Without saying a word
you slowly followed me to the edge of my rope
and before I could cut it, you said ‘there’s still hope,
so think long and hard

about what your life means to others.’
So I grabbed your hand and you held onto me
And for the first time ever I didn’t have the need to flee
Because you have always seen my true colors

So without saying a word
I looked into your eyes
So your love for me rise
Because you have always cared

About my wellbeing and me as a person
And you never wanted me to care this burden.

© 2017 Alexandra19

To Anyone Who Calls Me Friend

Written on March 22, 2017

(*)
To anyone who calls me friend
There’s something you ought to know
My life was coming to a bitter end
I was on death row

Wasting away in my dark cell
My faith has gone away with the light
I was told not to dwell
On what lies here in the night

I was ready to give it all away
Until I heard a whisper in my ear
‘Everything’s going to be okay,
You no longer have to repeat this year

Because I’ll become your hope
So grab ahold of my hand,
And I’ll pull on this rope
So you can find solid land.’

I peer through the cell walls
And I see your face
So I take a stand and these walls
Become small and I can see a place

Where I can step out into the fresh air
And I feel myself crying with joy
Who’d ever thought that anyone would care
And repair a life that was destroyed

To anyone who calls me friend
There’s something you ought to know
My life is on the mend
Due to a simple hello.

©2017 Alexandra19

Silently Wishing

Written on: October 25, 2017
(*)

Tears are streaming,
falling down her face,
her mouth opens
but no sound comes out,
She silently wishes
for you to listen
for you to understand
that she meant no harm,
But the damage is done
No turning back
no undoing those words
that were said,
She wants you to know
that she is sorry,
but she just can’t say it
for the fear of your reaction,
But she wishes
you’d listen
to those silent words
those words that will never be said,
But she wishes you might see
she really cares,
that she’d never leave you
or how much she loves you,
But from her view
she sees that you are hurting
and you only seemed to be wanting a new life,
so she reaches for your arms for one last time,
but they are not there when she reaches for them,
tears are streaming
falling down her face,
she wishes for you to listen,
for you to understand
but now she knows that you won’t
so she says goodbye
then slowly walks into the lurking darkness
where she’ll wait
for the day when you’ll take notice
of the tears and words that are never said.

©2017 Alexandra19

Aching Heart

Written on May 20, 2016

(*)
My heart aches for someone to notice
Notice how I silently cry in pain
As the time passes by, the price
For the love I need, is bought by the bloodstain

Of the blood that pours out into this empty world
No one really knows who I truly am on the inside
Though I’d like to be curled
Up and hide away but to You I’ll confide

And tell You my secrets and a grand tale
Of this dying soul
Then You shall know the truth that’ll become unveiled
And when it does I can finally become whole

But why can’t I seem to find a calming thought
That keeps the darkness from lurking
Within my mind, I’ll be caught
Having a burning

Desire to fade away, but You found
Something within the hurting soul
That could be crowned
And willing to let You take control.

©2017 Alexandra19

Addiction

Written on May 25, 2016

(*)
Addiction, it’s a demon that takes control of you
Once you start, it’ll never let you go
You’ll become ensnared in it’s web of lies
With no where to go but downwards
This demon makes it hard for you to stop
It tells you many lies and manipulates the truth
That everybody tell you
Once you start, it’s harder to stop
Even when you want to
This demon tells you are worthless
That no body cares that you are suffering
But in reality they do,
This demon tugs at you mind
And isolates you from the rest of the world
You start to believe in the demon
When it’s lies starts to sound believable
So you allow the demon to take control
And you are wanting more and more
Of what ever you find closet and accessible,
When others tell you that you have an addiction
You shrug your shoulders and give them the bird,
You’ve allowed this demon to take over your life
And now your spiraling out of control
Down a path you never thought you’d up end at
Now you’re laying there in the cold and darkness
Wondering where things went wrong
And why nobody is hanging around you
You’ve allowed this demon to take control
Allowed it to tell you many lies
Now you here, all alone
Wondering if anyone still cares
Don’t lose hope when all seem lost
For you have a Mighty God
Who is still looking out for you
Grab His hand that He is stretching out towards you
And He’ll pull you out from this darkness of despair
This demon that has taken over your life
Will be vanquished by His mighty word
So whenever you start to believe in this demon’s lies
And find yourself pushing others away
Just know you are not alone
Addiction it consumes tons of people every day
Don’t fall into the demon’s web of lies
There is hope for you yet
Just give Him a chance
And He’ll save you from wanting more and more
Of those nasty accessible things.

©2017 Alexandra19

When

Written on October 8, 2012

(*)
“When?” Is all I can say to you now.
When in a million years,
Would I try to hurt you?
When in my life time,
Would I truly hate you?
For “When?” is all I can say to you now.
When will I stop trying,
To say I’m sorry?
When will I stop giving you,
My everlasting love?
When will I stop,
Feeling guilty for hurting you?
“When?” Is all I can say to you now.
When will I stop trying to,
Let you see that I truly care?
When will it be,
When I can feel at ease,
When you finally see the light me?
When will the time go by,
Before we stop butting heads?
When will you see that,
I truly didn’t mean any harm?
“When?” Is all I can say to you now.

(*)
This poem was written to my mom telling her how I would never hurt her again after what I did the previous year before. I ask her ‘When’ will I ever stop trying to win back her love and affection. The previous year I had hurt her real badly and our relationship has changed and has never been the same since then. I ask her ‘When’ will I ever stop saying I’m sorry for hurting her.

©2017 Alexandra19

I Am The One

Written on March 2, 2017

(*)
I am the one who’s in control of my life
Some may say that my past is what defines me
But it doesn’t, it’s what happens here in the present
That defines me as a person.

But I am the one who’s in control of my life,
No one can control it for me,
I am not just a label that others put onto me
But I am my own person,

But I am the one who’s in control of my life
Yeah, I have had made stupid mistakes
But I am not going to be held back from those failures
I am learning from my mistakes and I’m striving to be a better

But I am the one who’s in control of my life
I love to enjoy life as it is right now
And I will no longer dwell on the past
I will start looking forward towards a better tomorrow

But I am the one who’s in control of my life
And nobody else can make me do something I don’t want to
Because I have my own free will
And I have the right to speak my mind and thoughts.

©2017 Alexandra19

The Whispers Begin

Written on December 15, 2016

(*)
Midnight, and the whispers begin
As I lie in the cold darkness
Their words play over and over
Inside my head
Whose to blame for what happens next
When I decide to go on a killer spree
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
Their blood stains the glitter white snow
Their words will no longer matter
But I stand here in the darkness
Holding this broken blade
And hearing their voices in my head
I never thought dead people could speak
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
I’m drowning in my tears
As dawn approaches
I’ll never be able to forget their words
But it’s midnight and the whispers begin
As the snow starts to fall
I too will stain the snow red.

©2017 Alexandra19

Icy Fingers

Written on August 11, 2015

(*)
Icy fingers silently creep across the sky,
You can see them,
You know they’re there,
Whenever they brush against your bare skin,
You can see them move the branches in the trees.
(Wind)

But you can’t see these icy fingers,
The ones that snake their way into your life,
Into the depths of your mind,
The only fingers that are able to,
Wrap themselves around your mind.
(Words)

Icy fingers causes you to doubt,
Doubt the truth from the lies,
They squeeze and tighten,
So then you can’t tell right from wrong,
Icy fingers work their way downwards.
(Manipulation)

To your heart they go,
When the heart becomes troubled,
You better be ready,
Ready for a hell of a storm,
A wave of confusion and aching will come.
(Heartache)

Not knowing what to do?
Where can you go?
You’re aching all over
Icy fingers causing chaos in your life,
Icy fingers crushing your soul.
(Confusion)

You’re left with nothing,
Icy fingers have ruined your life,
You’re a being without any life,
They have caused this to happen,
You are a being in the ground without a heartbeat.
(Death)

(*)
This poem is about the words that people say to you. These words are like an unknown seen force that makes its way into your mind, where it causes you to doubt yourself. The words in parentheses are what the ‘icy fingers’ are. For example ‘The only fingers that are able to, Wrap themselves around your mind. (Words)’ The word in parentheses tells you what the lines before it is all about.

©2017 Alexandra19

I’ve Overcome..,

Written on September 19, 2016

(*)
I am not perfect
I may not be the best of the best,
But I am a survivor
I have fought through the battles
I’ve overcome the hardships that come into my life,
I have something worth fighting for
Something to risk my life for
And he is my little brother Jadyn,
I am racing towards the break of dawn
Where the light shines the brightest,
I have a God who knows me by name
And has never left my side since the day I was born
I am no longer a slave to fear
But a co-heir to Christ
He has died so my sins could be forgiven,
I may seem distant and weird
But I am just different and unique,
And when it comes to forgiving others
I am ready to forgive those who have hurt me
It makes it easier for me to move forward with my life,
I no longer want to be dragged down by past sins and hardships
So I put my best foot forward
And wake up each day with thanksgiving to God
Because I am right where I need to be
And I am no longer where I used to be,
I am not perfect
I may not be the best of the best,
But I am a survivor
Because I have fought the battles
To get where I’m at now.

©2017 Alexandra19

Fear Of The Unknown

Written on January 4, 2015

(*)
Tension is high,
Feelings are hurt,

Words are said that weren’t meant to be,
Trust is broken,
Relationships are lost,
Nothing is right and it’s all my fault,

Because of one slip up,
And everything went falling downhill,

I screwed up so now I’m broken,
Lost, confused and wondering,
Why did this have to happen to me,

Is anyone out there,
To hear me plead for this to stop,
But I feel as though I’m falling down a deep hole,
That only gets deeper as I try to escape,

But somewhere in this darkest hole I see faint light,
That peaks out between the cracks in the wall,
I tread towards it,

Wanting a way out of this darkness,
Then I hear a voice,
That says “Come, let me heal you.
Let me bring you out of this darkness.”

I want to follow Him, but some things hold me back:
The fear of accepting the unknown,

The fear of making a mistake and failing,
Of making the lost relationships become unreachable,
Making the broken trust become shattered,
And become unrepairable,

Never being accepted as who I really am,
Always having to wear a mask and hide,
Hide my true self.

But can you show me the way out of this impending darkness,
Or will I be lost to despair forever?

(*)
This poem is talking about how I fear the unknown; the unknown of what’s to happen in the future. I feel like I’ve screwed up with the relationships that I have had, by the things I did or said. But I know that’s not true, because there’s a God who shines His light through the darkness and He extends His hands towards me, telling me that everything will be alright. He tells me that I don’t have to worry about the unknown because He has it all under control. 

©2017 Alexandra19

Those Tears

Written on November 10, 2014

(*)
You never thought someone would notice,
Those tears that fell down your face,
Until I looked up, and saw,
Saw in your eyes, the hurt you’ve been hurting,
But what you’ve been through,
No longer matters, because I,
I am your mighty Lord Jesus,
The one who will make the pain go away,
Just trust in me and you shall see,
See that I can calm the storm that forms,
Forms around you,
You must reach out and grab my hand,
My hand leads to the truth you’ve been searching for,
Searching for but couldn’t find, because of the,
Of the lies that others told you,
You believed them and so you fell away from me,
From me and my truth, but I’m here to tell you,
Tell you that I have forgiven you,
So don’t you worry, because I’ll be by your side,
And I have noticed those tears that fell down your face.

(*)
I wrote this poem based upon the thought of how I was feeling lost and that nobody else really noticed me, Jesus looked down from heaven and saw me hurting. He said to me ‘You’re not alone in your suffering…Your pain no longer matters because, I Your Mighty Lord Jesus Christ, will be with you forever and always.” He has lead me out of the darkness and into His arms. The lies of this world will no longer hold me back.

©2017 Alexandra19

What Went Wrong?

Written on January 4, 2014

(*)
Have you noticed
that whenever I’ve tried to show you love,
you sometimes push me away?
You’ve never really given thought about
how much it hurts me when you push me away.
I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking
‘Is it something that I’m doing wrong?’
When you push me away.
I want to get closer to you and have your love,
but how can I when you push me away.
What if it isn’t me?
What if it’s you, who can’t really show your love?
So you push me away.
When we start to get close to each other,
you show your love towards me
but then something goes wrong and you push me away.
I wish we could love each other till the end of time,
but you kept pushing me away.
What is wrong?
Why won’t you show me your love?
So instead of showing me your love you push me away.

*
This poem talks about my relationship with my father. I yearned for his love and his affection but I never received it. I tried to love him and show him that I was a ‘good’ person who deserved his love. But everytime I did something wrong he’d push me away and show me that I was unloved. He never said to me he didn’t love me but his actions told me otherwise. So I wish he’d love me for who I was but he never did.
©2017 Alexandra19

Who Am I Really?

Written on May 31, 2014

(*)
Pieces of my heart are missing,
My mind is engulfed in smoke,
Can’t think straight,
I’m screaming out for help,
For help that I know won’t come.
My heart is aching for someone to love me
To love me for who I really am.
But every day I put on this mask
And build this wall inside my mind,
So than no one can see who I really am.
Is there anyone out there
Who cares enough to get close to me
To see who I really am?
I really am this sweetest person you’ll ever know
But I put on this mask because
Because I’ve been told many hurtful things,
I’ve been told I’m not supposed to be like this,
So I pretend so no one will know,
Will know who I really am.

(*)

This poem talks about how I put on a fake mask whenever I’m around other people. I’m wishing for someone to notice and love me for who I really am. I wonder if there’s anyone out there who’ll take the time to really get to know the real me? I’ve been told many times before that being my true self is wrong, so I put on this fake mask so then no one will ever know who I really am.

©2017 Alexandra19

Keep Your Chin Up

Written on April 5, 2017 
10:03am-10:29am

(*)
Keep your chin up my dear mother
Even though today is a day of great grief
She would want you to think of others
The pain will be but only a brief

Moment, so keep your chin up and stay happy
Even though we shall be celebrating her birth
Without her, she would hate to see you so unhappy
Because she’s up there in heaven and you’re down here on earth

You’d must remember how she’d want the best for you
So keep your chin up my dear mother
She’s living her life anew
In a place where she’s with your brother

And she’s with her son, so know that she’s no longer in pain
But in complete paradise and in enjoyment
So turn that frown upside down, because what do you have to gain
So live here in this moment

So keep your chin up my dear mother, because everything will be alright
Because you have me right here by your side
Just look for the light
That will be your guide

The grief that you’re feeling will only be for a short time
So keep looking for hope
And believe that everything will happen on its own time
You no longer have to climb the rope

By yourself, so keep your chin up my dear mother
Because you are not like any other.

(*)

This poem was written on my grandmother’s birthday. She died from cancer in 2011 and so I wrote this poem to my mom, telling her not to worry. Because her mom wouldn’t want her to be sad and be grieving for her all the time. In this poem I tell my mom to keep her chin up and to look for the light during this dark time. I tell my mom that I will always be there right beside her, no matter what happens. 

©2017 Alexandra19

What’s Left

Written on January 4, 2015

(*)
Here I lie in a broken world that can’t be put back together
What a mess I created
What’s left is a fading memory
Of a once strong and mighty girl

She’s left to defend what little strength she has left
To keep hold of what little sanity she has
Some say ‘Words mean nothing.’

‘Words are just words.’
But oh how they are wrong
Words sting like a blade cut across the skin

They’re like a slap to the face
You can never ever forget what a person said to you
I’m left dying from this gaping hole in my heart
That no one can repair now
My mind is far too dangerous to unlock

I can’t speak for fear of the trouble that’ll unfold onto me
Wish for something better than right now

How can I change when everyone is against me
How can I speak without being judged?

How do I show I truly care?
They are leading me to my impending doom
Where I’ll surely die before my time is supposed to end
It doesn’t really look like any other option,

But there’s something better to do with my life than that
But in the grim of time my options don’t look so great
Most of the time wishing for a way out

But no one will help, they are only dragging me down
I wanna be strong, wanna be brave
But I’m shot down for speaking out
Shot down for standing out
No one gives a damn for me anymore

They think they know what’s best
But do they really?
They say I don’t care
But they don’t know me
Would they be better off without me here

I’m starting to think so
My time here may end before it’s supposed to end
I’m driving towards the brink of insanity
Of losing my mind

(If I haven’t already, it may be too late)
So at least let me say my goodbyes
Let everyone hear the last cries of the soul they tore down

Let them remember how they were the ones
Who caused her to leave.
If they can go on without me here,
Then I’m sorry I wasted my breathe all these years.

(*)

This poem talks about how I am left to mend my broken heart. I have been hurt by the hurtful words that other people kept telling me. Then the saying ‘words are just words, they can’t hurt you,’ well that’s not true at all. Once you say something spiteful to someone else that person will never forget what you said to them and how it made them feel. It’s hard for me to change my ways when there’s people who are always against me. How can I show them that I care about other people when they’re the ones who are bringing me down.

©2017 Alexandra19

I’m Being Forgotten

Written on August 19, 2017

(*)
Alone, sad, gloomy
Once loved but not anymore
Seen but not heard
Heard but not seen
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Withholding, left out, cast aside
Once mighty and strong
Cursed and swore
Sought revenge
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Me, myself, and I
All once loved
We cried night and day
But no one cared
I’m being Forgotten,

*
You, yourself
Could hardly imagine
The turmoil within
This dying soul
I’m being Forgotten,

*
I’m left here
I’ve been forgotten
In this isolated place
In the depth of my mind
I’m being Forgotten,

*
My Savior, my God
Can you hear my cries?
You’re so out of reach
I’ve slipped out of your hand,
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Where were you?
When I fell into darkness
You have drifted away
From my sight, now I’m crying
Because I’m being Forgotten.

©2017 Alexandra19

Crossroads

Written on April 2, 2017

(*)
I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad,
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Wondering where this journey of mine shall end,
But for now I’m left to defend
What no longer matters
Because I have been picking the wrong battles

I’ve been fighting for a lost cause,
I haven’t had time to pause
And think about what lies ahead,
I think I might have been misled

By those who no longer want me
Because they said I’m like a key
That has no door to unlock
But why must you stand there and mock?

I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Thinking to myself ‘how did things end up like this,’
Why am I falling into this abyss?
Where there’s no end in sight
What happened to the light?

Where is my saving grace?
When I come to this dark and cold place
Who’ll dare to venture forth and save
Me from this tidal wave?

I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Not knowing what to do
Or where to go
But when I come upon my crossroad
I’ll need to know how to unload

The weight of the world
Off my shoulders and become merged
With my true self
And become one with myself.

©2017 Alexandra19

In Just Six Seconds

Written on May 21, 2017

(*)
In just six days God created heaven and the earth
And on the sixth day He created man out of the ground
Then out of the man He created a woman for man’s company
He told them they could eat from any tree except the middle one
But then there was a serpent who deceived Eve
Told her that she wouldn’t die but her eyes would be opened
So in those six seconds, humanity’s fate was ruined
In just six seconds she too deceived her husband
And his soul also died and his eyes were opened
In six days God created man to be in His image
To be full of goodness and kindness,
But in just six seconds everything fell apart
When Eve ate from the forbidden tree
So now six thousand years later humanity is still suffering
From the actions of Adam and Eve’s actions
In just six seconds everyone’s fate was doomed
From the price of two people faults
But then He came down to earth
And when His time came,
He died on that cross for our forefathers mistakes,
In just six days God created heaven and the earth
But in six seconds everything fell apart.

©2017 Alexandra19

In This World Of Mine

Written on April 13, 2017

(*)
In this world of mine
My screams go unnoticed
When everything seemed so fine,
But now I’m at the point where my heart has been broken

When the sun goes down
These fears of mine begin to rise
I feel like crying, but I feel like I’m about to drown
In these wasted goodbyes,

I just want to hide away
Because in my sorrows I’d rather wear a disguise
Than be betrayed
Because these fears of mine have begun to rise,

When the battle begins
And their swords are being drawn
Something begins to ache from within
Who can I depend on,

When all falls apart?
Who will mend this broken soul,
When my sanity falls apart?
My life line is being sucked into a black hole,

When will my savior come around?
This fighting has been going on without any end in sight,
I feel like I’m about to drown
Their battle cries cause me to take flight

And the clashing of their swords echo in my ears
The years go by but the only thing
That is shed is tears
They have left me to cling

Onto my life. When will my savior come?
My mind can’t comprehend why there must be war,
Am I just bound to become part of the slums?
Will my savior come and take me so far

Away from this battle ground?
Blood has been spilt from their hands
And they’ve inflicted too many wounds
Because all they wanted was to have some sort of command,

But there came no such thing, but what little hope remains
I’d like to make it last, but what happened to the mighty calvary?
When their horses come charging past like a speeding train,
What’s left in their wake is a family in agony,

In this world of mine
My screams go unnoticed
When everything seemed so fine,
But now I’m at the point where my heart has been broken

Where is my savior?
Has she left me to defend myself against their mighty army?
I feel like I’m just a failure
Because I have become lost on this journey

That was not meant to be, but am I to suffer at their hands,
Or am I bound to just become part of the damn?

©2017 Alexandra19

Behind These Bedroom Doors

Written on August 24-25, 2015

(*)
What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know.
For within these bedroom walls,
My heart cries out,
It aches at the sound of the constant yelling,
When the night draws near,
I fear these demons that lie around me,
They turn the lies into chaos,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Only my ears have heard,
Heard my tears that I cry every single night,
Tears of anger, sadness, and confusion,
Wondering what went wrong,
Am I at fault for the things that go on,
In my world,
Who can I turn to?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one can comprehend,
The anger that boils deep own within me,
You can’t seem to understand the reason why,
Why I struggle to do so good,
I block out the pain,
But in turn block out the goodness I have had,
What’s wrong with me?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who’ll understand?
Am I a mistake in your eyes,
Something you can’t undue.
I cry the night away,
Wondering if the world of mine has fallen,
Fallen in to a crazy mess,
My life is in complete ruins.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
What goes on inside of this mind of mine,
Will anyone come and save this hurting soul,
No one will ever understand why I don’t show my love,
Or show this tender heart that yearns for compassion,
Won’t you oh Lord come to my aide,
I pray that you will.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who can I tell my feelings to?
When the yelling starts,
I retreat to the corners of my room,
And wish for the morning to come,
For when the darkness comes,
I fear the tension that rises in the night,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will know unless they dare,
Dare to venture forth into this different world of mine,
This world were a young woman wonders about the world’s mysteries,
Wondering why she’s picked out from the crowd,
Wondering why she’s not seen or heard at times,
Will you oh Lord come to this hurting soul,
What lies behind these bedroom doors,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
Unless they stop,
Stop the constant fighting,
And began to recall,
The reasons why I run to my bedroom,
When the sun goes down,
I’ll fear the tension that’ll rise in the night time air.

(*)

I wrote this poem the day after my mom and her ex-boyfriend, Jason, were fighting with each other. I wrote this poem basically saying that no one will ever know what lies behind my bedroom doors unless they stop their constant yelling and begin to notice that what their doing is not right. But it seems like only I can hear my cries and screams, it feels like there’s nobody I can turn to without having feeling that I’m the source of their pain. There’s something that goes on behind these bedroom doors when the night draws near and the yelling starts to happen again.

©2017 Alexandra19

Demons, They’re Out There

Written on August 14, 2015

(*)
Demons, they’re out there,
Waiting to strike out in the dark,
When I lay in my bed,
I can sense them,
Their voices make their way
Into my already troubled mind,
Their thoughts become my thoughts,
Making me wonder,
Does anyone else hear them?

Darkness consumes my mind,
I’m falling into a deep abyss,
Where there’s no escape,
My dreams become nightmares,
My eyes are blurred with these tears of defeat,
Demons, they’re out there,
Can’t you sense them?

They love to pull at my heart,
They’re tearing it apart,
Their voices screaming into my ear,
Making me doubt myself,
I fear the never ending darkness,
When darkness comes, it brings along something else,
Something that is waiting to strike out in the moonlight.

Demons, they are out there,
Waiting to strike in the dark,
I can sense them,
So why can’t you,
I’ve screamed for you to help me,
But you just looked away,
You let them snatch me away in the dark.

Do you not care anymore,
Where is the light when all goes dark,
I’m suffocating on my fear of them,
Demons, they are out there,
They’ve gotten a hold of me now,
Whenever I lay in bed, they are with me,
They are out there, waiting to strike at those who oppose.

Demons, they’re out there,
Be on guard for them,
For when the sun goes down,
It’s time for the demons to play,
To come out and strike,
Strike out in the never ending darkness,
Demons, they’re out there…..

(*)

This poem talks about the fears that swarm in my head. It tells how I dread the night, because it feels like there’s something that is waiting to strike out in the dark. I’ve gone insane, wanting someone to notice me struggling with the darkness that overwhelms my mind. I am wanting to know if anyone else can see the demons that circle around me and cause me pain and agony? Demons they are out there, so you better watch out, for if you don’t, you too will be ensnared by them.

©2017 Alexandra19

How Can I Explain?

Written on April 9, 2017

(*)
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That is tearing me apart,
I thought I could continue on living like this
But the truth is…I can’t,
There’s something that you’ll never be able to understand
That within this mind of mine,
There’s a demon that’s wanting to escape,
I thought I could contain it for a while longer
But the time has come when its bondages are breaking,
When this demon break loose
Who then will be safe?
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That’s tearing me apart?
When will you notice these tears
That are flowing down my face?
Who will dare venture forth and see
That I’m just broken,
And wanting someone to notice
This deep aching pain that is tearing me apart,
Who’ll come to my rescue when I start to fade away?
Won’t you see that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m done living in this isolate place,
Who will see and take charge on healing this broken heart
And mend what is shattered?

©2017 Alexandra19

That’s Ok With Me

Written on July 8, 2016

(*)
I may not be perfect but that’s ok with me,
I may have gone down the crooked road
A few times in my life,
Where the darkness loomed over the road
And where the light rarely shown,
But I’ve managed to return to the straighter path
Where my future is looking brighter
Even though there are bumps on this old dirt path
I’ll always manage to overcome them
I may not be perfect in your eyes
And I am ok with that,
I am just different in my own unique way
I’ve learned that to move forward with present
I need to let go of the past
And not linger on what happened,
The reason why we don’t see eye to eye
Is just because our views on the world are different,
I may not be perfect and I’m ok with it
I am a child of an Almighty God
And when He is with me,
I’ll be stronger than ever
Nothing can bring me down when I put my trust in Him
I may not be perfect and I’m alright with that,
I am just a unique individual with different skills and talents,
I won’t change to be anybody else
I am who I am
And there’s no one else like me,
I may not be perfect and I’m ok with that.
©2017 Alexandra19

Who Will Fight?

Written on June 26, 2015
12:00pm- 12:26pm

(*)

Who will fight
For those who can’t
For they have lost sight
Of what they want

Who will fight
And join this war
The strong and might
Will come once more

To see this till the end
To save those who are lost
They are ready to defend
Their very lives are at cost

But who could ask
For a better cause
To take on the task
On delivering the abuse.

(*)

In this poem I am asking who will fight for those who can not fight for themselves. Who will join the battle to help those who have nobody, who have no voice to fight for themselves? I will fight for those who are being oppressed and can’t fight for themselves. In this poem I ask the readers if they’ll join in this fight and make Him proud that His children are fighting for His cause.

©2017 Alexandra19

Believe

Written on July 14, 2016

(*)
Only you have the power to change your life
Nobody can control the way you think, act, or look,
So why do you tend to believe in the world’s view
And not believe in your own abilities
You, yourself, are one of a kind and uniquely different
Different from everyone around you and only you have the power to change

So why are you so afraid to make this change
This change that’d make your life
A lot better. This change will be different
But what will you find if you look
Through this looking glass? Only you have the abilities
To change the world’s view

On yourself. I’ve looked down from above and I have viewed
What goes on in your life. I can help you change
But only you have the power and the abilities
To change what happens in your life
No need to act differently, you can act and look
The way you want to. You are different

And it’s ok to be different.
When you look through the looking glass you’ll view
A whole other world. Take a look
Around you and you can see that everything is changing
So don’t be afraid to change your life
You are capable and have the abilities.

So don’t be afraid to take the steps because you have the abilities
To change your world. You are unique and different
Kind of person, you have a special life
And your opinions and views
Will be different but they will also continue to change
So open your eyes and take a look

A look through this looking glass, and as you look
Do you see that you have the abilities
That you’re the only one who can change
Even though the world’s view on you is different
Only one thing matters and that’s your view
On how you look at your life.

Nobody can control the way you think, act or look
Only you have the abilities
For your life to change.
©2017 Alexandra19

On That Day

Written on September 11, 2016

(*)

On that day, fifteen years ago
The world will never forget
The tragic events that unfolded early that morning
Three planes took flight as they would any other day
And the day was going on as a normal day for thousands
But little did we know that in mere minutes
Our world would be shaken
There was confusion as the first plane hit the North Tower
But when the second plane hit the South Tower
Did we know that we were under attack
Time seemed to slow down and the pot was stirred
Men and women came from all over to help
Up they traveled the stairs to the wounded and the trapped
Little by little they did save as many as they could
On that day, our humanity was growing stronger than ever
Terrorists tried to crush our hope
Instead we grew stronger and our hope never wavered
They wanted to crush the American hope and dream
They wanted to crush our freedom and life
They struck fear in our hearts
But we only grew stronger together as a nation
And as a world,
So here’s to those who’ve lost their lives
On that day fifteen years ago
Let us remember them all
But let us all also remember the humanity that was shown on that day,
And that we have all shown each other during that terrible day.

©2017 Alexandra19

(*)

I wrote this poem for those who sacrificed their lives for complete strangers. Because on September 11, 2001 our country was attacked by these terrorists who tried to strike fear into the heart of America. Even though they killed hundreds of people, and panic arose that day, something else rose up that day, and it was humanity at its best. Firefighters, police officers, civilians, and others ran into those burning buildings to save those who were trapped. So thank you to all who did survive that day and a big thank you to everyone who died that day.

PS: After you have read through this poem, and you know someone who was there at the Towers or the Pentagon that day, and survived tell them Alexandra19 says thank you for your service.

Shaped Or Broken

Written on March 13, 2017
12:10pm-12:24pm

(*)

You can be shaped or you can be broken
By what other people throw at you,
Your life choices can’t be decided by others
It only can be made by one person
And that person is you,
You can be shaped
And grow from what you keep hearing,
People will try to bring you down
To the point where you feel like giving up,
But don’t despair when all seems lost
For there’s still hope for a better tomorrow,
You can be shaped or you can be broken
By what other people throw at you
But don’t let them decide
On how you should live your life
Because your life is yours to live
So are you going to be shaped
Or are you going to be broken down?

I Slowly Wait

This poem shows how I was feeling when my grandma was dying from cancer. There were times, during the early stages of the cancer growth, when she wasn’t as sick and she wanted to spend time with me but I pushed her away. I regret not spending those precious moments with her. I sometimes cry for the loss of my grandma and the guilt of not spending the time with her when she was alive and not as sick.

Written on March 5, 2012

(*)
The time ticks by as I slowly wait
Slowly wait for you to come home
Back home where I wait for you,
As the time slowly ticks by
We both are hurting
As I slowly wait for you to come home,
I don’t believe your time is done
Your time to stay with me
For you and I still have things to do together,
I know I missed out on most of our time together
I regret not spending more time with you
You needed me then
But I wasn’t there
So now you need me more than ever,
I won’t forget your wonderful smile
And you won’t forget mine,
The days seem dark
Dark without you here with me
But I think I see
See you leaving
Leaving me here alone
Alone because you are now fading
But this is not what I want,
As I scream out in pain
Because you are leaving me here
I want you to know how much I miss you
I don’t want to think about this now
I try to act brave
But the tears keep flowing
As I cry aloud
I don’t want to believe you are leaving me behind
I won’t believe any of this.

©2017 Alexandra19

Cancer

Written on October 9, 2012

(*)

I’ve always knew,
When we were told,
That you had Cancer.
I knew you would,
Die.

I never told, anyone.
I didn’t want them,
To give up hope.
But during your last,
Couple years alive,
I knew that you,
Would die.

I had this feeling,
In my gut,
It made it hard,
For me to think,
Because I waited,
For that one,
Final call.

I’d never thought,
It would happen to me.
I knew it was out there,
I couldn’t believe,
It happened to,
You.

But now you are gone,
And I to face reality,
Without you here with me.

“TO MY BELOVED GRANDMA WHO IS NO LONGER WITH US. BUT IS NOW IN A HAPPIER PLACE.”

Copyright © 2017 Alexandra19

I Am Who I Want To Be

Written on March 26, 2017
12:48pm-1:00pm

(*)

I am who want to be
And I’m okay with that
I am not perfect
And I’m okay with that
But I am smart,
I am clever,
I am stronger then I ever will be
Because I have something worth fighting for,
I am who I want to be
And I’m okay with that,
I don’t need others to try to bring me down
Because I may not be perfect
And I’m okay with that,
I have a mother whose love runs deep
And she’ll do anything for her children
Even though I may be fatherless
I am who I want to be
And I’m okay with that
I have hope that will never fail
I am not flawless
And I’ve made many mistakes
But I am who I want to be
And I’m okay with that
I’m creative and pretty
Others may say otherwise
But that’s ok
Because I am not perfect
And I’m okay with that
Because I am who I want to be.

Copyright © 2017 Alexandra19

I’m No Screwup

Written on September 26, 2016

(*)
As summer comes to an end
Autumn draws nearer and nearer
I wake up today with breath in my body
My heart beats it’s beat in my chest,
And I lift my head towards the open blue sky
I cry out to God praising His name
Thanking Him for allowing me live another day
I bow my head low
Knowing that I’ve screwed up and I’m filled with many flaws
But He looked down and said to me ‘My child, your sins have been forgiven
Take this hand of mine and I shall lift you above this abyss
Of despair and hopelessness.
I’ll never forsake you or leave your side.
So have hope and don’t fall into despair.’
As the days go by
From summer to fall
Fall to winter
Where the days grow colder and longer
And the earth is covered in white
I’ll wake up each day
With breath in my body
And a beating heart
I’ve screwed up too many times to count
But I am not a failure or a mistake
For I am a child of God and He calls me His own.

Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19

What If…

This poem talks about how the world could become a better place if everybody stopped judging, criticizing, blaming others for their mistakes, or walked away from someone else who was in need of help, and started doing what’s best for everyone else’s benefits, and didn’t think about themselves and started thinking about how they could help those who need it. What would the world look like then if people were kinder to each other and didn’t fight with one another?

Written on July 2, 2016

(*)

Who am I to judge those who seem like trouble,
Who am I to strike out against those who’ve deserve it,
Who am I to say I don’t need You in my life?
What if instead of blaming others for my mistakes,
I accepted my consequences and faced the truth?
What if I didn’t judge,
I instead talked and understood their needs?
What if I didn’t strike out
But walked away and calmed myself down
What if I said I needed You in my life?
What if….
I wonder what life world be like if
People stopped judging on first sight
And instead started making friends with everyone
What if people stopped blaming others for their mistakes
And accepted that it might have been their own fault?
What would the world look like than
If everyone worshiped You, Oh God?
And let You take control?
What if….
What if fathers didn’t abandoned their children,
And some parents didn’t abuses their kids?
What if we got kids back into schools
And off the streets and out of gangs?
What if instead of walking pass a homeless person
We offered them a warm drink and some food?
What would the world look like than?
What if….
Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19

Don’t Let It In

Written on September 6, 2016

This poem talks about how I feel while I’m depressed and I feel like nothing matters anymore. I had struggled with depression for most of my childhood and it wasn’t until just recently that I’ve realized that my life matters to other people. So I decided to fight for my life and I have overcome the battle with depression and so now I’m happier and have something that I want to live for.

(*)

There’s something knocking at the door
Wanting me to let it in,
I hear it’s voice saying ‘I can make the pain go away, just let me in.’
I can’t make myself open up the door
But all I want is for my suffering to end ‘Let me in, I’ll make it stop.’
Says the demon ‘I know how you’re feeling.’
I slowly trudge towards the door
And when I open it, darkness surrounds me
Unfolding its fiery and madness
I fall to my knees, crying out in despair
It’s web of lies fill my mind
What have I become,
What have I done?
Who will save this shattered body
Whose mind is no longer sane,
When I fall into the abyss of insanity
And I can no longer comprehend the truth from the lies
Who will come to my rescue?
When I am tormented day after day by this demon
Who is feeding me poisonous words,
I can’t escape this demon
When I heard that knocking at my door I should have said no.
Now I’m stuck with this demon
Who’ll play with my strings and pull at my life line
When it said to let it in
I should have turned around
But now that this door has been opened
There’s no stopping it from coming again
I’ve become nothing but an empty shell
With nothing left but this small strand of string
And when it’s cut,
Down….down….down I’ll fall
Into my grave
And into the never ending darkness
For when I hear the demon knocking at my door
Wanting me to let it in
I should remember not to open it
Or else I’ll become a pile of bones in the ground.

Copyright © 2017 Alexandra19

As The Night Drags On…

Written on August 7, 2016
1:20am-1:36am

(*)

As the night slowly drags on
I lay in my bed, silently crying
Crying these tears of sorrow and pain
Thinking on how I’ve hurt others
And they too me
But these tears I cry
Are tears of how I could have made things better
Could have done something differently
But didn’t
So as the night drags on my stomach twists and turns
Aching so much it makes me cry even more
These tears I silently cry
No one will ever hear
Not knowing what lies behind this bedroom door
For when the sun goes down
And the stars come out
I start to cry
Wondering where my comforter is at
Wondering where things went wrong
Why must I ache all over?
Losing sleep as I worry and worry
As the night drags on and time slips by
I cry knowing I really can’t talk to anyone
Losing hope in those around me
Who’ll come to my rescue
And save me from this never ending night
Because when the sun goes down
And the stars come out
I start to cry the night away.

Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19

Time Passes By

Written on March 13, 2016

(*)

Time passes by
Hour by hour
Minute by minute
But for me, I’m frozen in time
There’s no words that could describe
The hurt I’ve been feeling,
Wanting you to notice
That this pain comes when you turn away
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time
Waiting for the light to shine through this darkness,

Where are you
When all seems lost and in dismayed
Won’t you help me?
I’m losing hope in humanity
Blood has been spilled
Bodies pile up
From these never ending wars,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time
Watching as the world goes by
And I slowly fade away
In sickness or in health
Till death do us part
We’ll always have each other
But I’m frozen in time
As you move forward with your life
While I struggle to find my way out
Out of this hell hole,
Won’t you rescue this fading soul
Or will you let me fade away forever
Until I’m nothing but bones,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time.
While I struggle to find my way out
Out of this hell hole,
Won’t you rescue this fading soul
Or will you let me fade away
Until I’m nothing but bones,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time.

Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19