I May Seem….

I’m Still Crazy

Written on August 7, 2018

9:31pm-9:45pm

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore,

Oh how you’re so wrong

Even after all these years

Even with all these medications

I’m still insane,

I still hear voices whispering in my ear

And see shadows lurking in the corner of my eyes

And on some days I still feel like skipping out on life

How I wish for this pain to end!

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore

I may seem good

And happy on the outside

But on the inside

I’m broken and hurting,

I’ve wanted to yell and scream out loud

But I know nobody will listen

So I keep my pain on the inside

And I suffer alone,

I’m not cured

I’ve lost my sanity many years ago

So to you who thinks they know me

How little they do,

For on the outside I seem fine

But on the inside I’m yearning for attention

And all you’ll do is turn a blind eye on my pleas

So when you ask me what’s wrong

I’ll just lie

You think I’m cured

Or at least not crazy anymore

Oh how I wish I could tell you were wrong.

Saving Her?

Written on January 6-7, 2017

(*)
The blood runs down her arms like water on rocks
She sees that there’s no hope left in her life
Because every day she’s belittled and abused
By those she thought she could call family
They tell her she’s wasn’t even supposed to be born
So here she is 16 years later, staring at the knife in her hand

She wanders why nobody bothered to take her hand
And bothered to take her past these raggedy rocks
She wishes she could have been born
Into a world where her very life
Was something special and appreciated by a family
Who didn’t have to use her and abused

Her. All she wanted was to be loved, but all she got was endless abuse
For within her world, all she saw was the back of her father’s hand
That smile she once held, no longer existed, she just wanted to a new family
In a place where she’s not surrounded by jagged rocks
There’s a moment in time where she thought about how her life
Was meant for something much more, she wishes she wasn’t born

She was trying to figure out why she was born,
She was tired of all of this relentless abuse
Was she just meant to live a life
Or was she meant to bare these scars on her hands
She thought about jumping out onto these rugged rocks
But she keep thinking about a life with a family

That she could have. A loving family
In which she was born
In, but these rugged rocks
Have kept her in this place of abuse
‘Please oh guardian angel, won’t you take my hand?
Take me away from this terrible life?’

She cries out. But this is the life
She was born in and the family
Who doesn’t care about the scars on her hands
Why couldn’t she have been born
In a place where there isn’t abuse
A place over these jagged rocks

She tried to take her life
Because of what her family
Has has put into her hands.

©2017 Alexandra19

Trust This Smile Not

Written on April 18, 2018
4:49pm-5:00pm

(*)
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Cause this appearance can be misleading
I’ve put on this mask way to many times to count,
And now I’m starting to believe in it,
But trust this smile not,
For behind this smile is a damaged soul
A soul whose light is fading away,
This smile you see now isn’t real
Because it doesn’t reach my heart,
Trust this smile not,
For appearances can be misleading
I’ve said ‘I’m ok….I’m not suffering….’ too many times
But none of it is the truth,
Cause i am suffering and I’m not ok,
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Behind this smile you’ll see a girl crying out for help
But none will come to sweep her off her feet
Trust this smile not,
This smile that you see now, is hiding a world of hurt and pain
But you’ll never be able to notice it,
Cause this smile that you see isn’t real,
But it’s convincing enough to reassure you everything is alright
Trust this smile not,
Because if you do, I’ll just lie about my pain
But I can’t lie to myself on how I really feel.

©2018 Alexandra19

Cold….Hard

Written on January 15, 2014

(*)
Cold…..hard,
Why would you be so cold?
Life it’s hard,
Hard right now.
Now you must see,
That I’ve been in pain.

But you put on your charade,
Only she and I see through it.
You only mean to cause us,
Cold….hard,
Pain.

That’s all you’ve ever give.
But you ensnare all others,
In your little trap.
But not me and her.
We will prevail.
Why?

You got to be so,
Cold…..hard.
All your heart ever is,
Rage to inflict pain,
Onto others.
Cold…..hard.

(*)
This poem was written during the time when my mom and dad were getting a divorced. In this poem it talks about how he was putting on an act, acting like he was the nicest guy around, but in reality he isn’t. He was playing mister nice guy and putting on a fake mask for everyone around him. But my mom and I could see through his mask and lies and we weren’t easily ensnared in his web of deception.

© 2014 Alexandra19

How Can You Expect Me…

Written on March 23, 2018
11:42am-11:54am

(*)
You’re always judging me,
Criticizing what I do or say
So how can you expect me to stay
And lie about how everything’s alright?
I can no longer hold back these tears that I’ve been suppressing
When the sun goes down
I’ll take comfort in knowing that you can’t hear my screams,
For behind this closed door
Lies a dying soul
Whose ready to leave the pain behind
And is afraid to leave you as well,
But you’re always judging me
Twisting the truth in many ways
So how can you expect me to say
That everything is alright,
These tears that I’ve been holding back
I no longer can contain
So I cry the night away
And I’ve lost hope that our lives will ever be the same
Because you’re never there for me
When I look for you,
You’re not there,
So how can you expect me to stay,
And lie about how everything is alright?

©2018 Alexandra19

From Time to Time

Written on March 18, 2017

(*)
From time to time I let the world see
See these tears that I’ve kept hidden
But there was something that I didn’t foresee
Because my life was being rewritten,

I’ve tried to keep my cool, but I couldn’t keep it contain
From your sight, so I had to lie
About how I was going insane,
But I can no longer trust those who were to be my ally

I lied to you, so then you wouldn’t get hurt
I wanted to save you from the pain of grief
I didn’t mean to shatter your heart
But in the night, I’ll be like a thief

Who will steal your life away
As my life line wanes
I will start to decay,
But before I do, I’ll break these chains

That have kept me tied to this false reality
So for now, I’ll keep these tears hidden
So then I wouldn’t cause you agony
Of feeling of being grief-stricken,

But from time to time I will let the world see
See these tears that I’ve kept hidden
But there was something that I didn’t foresee
Because my life was being rewritten.

©2017 Alexandra19

Who Would Listen?

Written on March 18, 2017:
9:43am-9:56am

(*)
Lying, being deceitful
Not knowing what to do,
People yelling at me
Who am I?
Am I worthless?
Am I cold hearted?
Will I be able to speak
Speak out the truth
About how I feel?
Who would listen
Listen to this fading soul?
Would it matter
If I scream and cry
Begging someone to listen
Listen to this beating heart,
Won’t anyone help me
Before it’s to late
Too late to save me!

©2017 Alexandra19

Cutting

Written on December 29, 2017

(*)
Cutting
It’s been a temptation
For those who seek attention
Or who have no idea on how to channel their feelings,
Cutting
Who’d have guessed
I’d be tempted by it
I didn’t know how to
Express these swirling emotions
That were in my head,
Cutting
It hurts
When the demons
Tell you that you are worthless
And yet you believed in their lies
Even though it’s not true,
Cutting
It’s an addiction
Once you start, it’s hard to stop
But just know that you’re not alone
Cause I too have dealt with this temptation
And I have conquered it,
Cutting
Relieves the pain you have bottled up inside you
When no one else seems to understand,
But you don’t need to worry anymore
Cause He will save you from your suffering,
Cutting
It’s an addiction
But you can overcome it.

©2017 Alexandra19

I’ve Been Told…

Written on March 6, 2018 

(*)

I’ve been told that crying was unacceptable,
that showing any sort of emotion is wrong
So I built a wall within my mind
To keep these emotions from seeping out,
But this wall can’t prevent emotions from coming in
So if I start to cry, I make myself stop,
Because you’ve told me crying was unacceptable
You kept telling me that straighten up my act
To stop acting like a baby,
So now I don’t allow myself to cry in front of you or others
But I so desperately need to tell you how I’m feeling
But I act like nothing’s wrong
Cause you’ve told me that showing any sort of emotions is wrong
I can no longer contain these tears that flow from my eyes
But I wipe them away when you look my way,
For if you were to see this broken-hearted gal,
What would you think?
But instead I smile and say that I’m alright
Because crying is unacceptable and showing emotion is wrong.

©2018 Alexandra19

Losing Control

Written on March 6, 2017

(*)
Can’t hold it in any more
Gonna lose control
Who’s to blame
When the demon takes over me
I’m letting go of hope
Can’t think straight
My heart has been ripped out of my chest
By the words that you said to me
I’ve been given too many labels to count
I’m no longer defined as my own self
But as a mistake of my past
I can’t see part this storm of darkness
That hides the fact that I’m in loved
But who will save me from my nightmares
And take me away from this hellish place
Is my fate sealed to just be a loner
Or am I just set to be a failure?

©2017 Alexandra19

Behind This Smile

Written on February 5, 2017:
9:01am-9:11am

(*)
This smile that you see, isn’t real
For it’s the smile that you’re expecting to see
But not the one I truly mean
Behind this false smile, lies a stranger whose smile is lost,
For I’ve forgotten how to smile
This smile you see, doesn’t reach my heart
But only reaches the surface of my face
For behind this smile lies a stranger whose in pain
And aching for someone to notice that this smile isn’t real
But behind this smile lies silent tears
Tears that are only heard from closed doors
This smile that you see, isn’t real
For it’s the smile that you’re expecting to see,
Because I’ve forgotten how to smile and mean it.

©2018 Alexandra19

Never Knowing

Written on January 5, 2018
1:03pm-1:17pm

(*)
Never knowing,
Never fully understanding
why I have chosen to keep quiet,
why I pretend that everything is alright,
why I never let you see me cry
because behind this lie that I have built,
(this lie that shows you that I’m ok),
you will see a damaged girl that broken beyond repair,
you’ll never fully understand why I’ve kept my pain from you,
but if you were to listen in the dead of night,
you might hear my cries echoing from behind closed doors,
but I’ve created this lie so well,
that you wouldn’t even be able to notice
how broken and hurt I really am,
but in some ways, you’re the one who made me this way,
told me that I couldn’t cry a lot,
told me to stop acting like a baby,
but I’ll wouldn’t let you know how I truly felt,
for fear of your reaction,
never knowing,
never fully understanding
why I have chosen to kept quiet about my pain.

©Alexandra19

Silently Wishing

Written on: October 25, 2017
(*)

Tears are streaming,
falling down her face,
her mouth opens
but no sound comes out,
She silently wishes
for you to listen
for you to understand
that she meant no harm,
But the damage is done
No turning back
no undoing those words
that were said,
She wants you to know
that she is sorry,
but she just can’t say it
for the fear of your reaction,
But she wishes
you’d listen
to those silent words
those words that will never be said,
But she wishes you might see
she really cares,
that she’d never leave you
or how much she loves you,
But from her view
she sees that you are hurting
and you only seemed to be wanting a new life,
so she reaches for your arms for one last time,
but they are not there when she reaches for them,
tears are streaming
falling down her face,
she wishes for you to listen,
for you to understand
but now she knows that you won’t
so she says goodbye
then slowly walks into the lurking darkness
where she’ll wait
for the day when you’ll take notice
of the tears and words that are never said.

©2017 Alexandra19

Aching Heart

Written on May 20, 2016

(*)
My heart aches for someone to notice
Notice how I silently cry in pain
As the time passes by, the price
For the love I need, is bought by the bloodstain

Of the blood that pours out into this empty world
No one really knows who I truly am on the inside
Though I’d like to be curled
Up and hide away but to You I’ll confide

And tell You my secrets and a grand tale
Of this dying soul
Then You shall know the truth that’ll become unveiled
And when it does I can finally become whole

But why can’t I seem to find a calming thought
That keeps the darkness from lurking
Within my mind, I’ll be caught
Having a burning

Desire to fade away, but You found
Something within the hurting soul
That could be crowned
And willing to let You take control.

©2017 Alexandra19

Addiction

Written on May 25, 2016

(*)
Addiction, it’s a demon that takes control of you
Once you start, it’ll never let you go
You’ll become ensnared in it’s web of lies
With no where to go but downwards
This demon makes it hard for you to stop
It tells you many lies and manipulates the truth
That everybody tell you
Once you start, it’s harder to stop
Even when you want to
This demon tells you are worthless
That no body cares that you are suffering
But in reality they do,
This demon tugs at you mind
And isolates you from the rest of the world
You start to believe in the demon
When it’s lies starts to sound believable
So you allow the demon to take control
And you are wanting more and more
Of what ever you find closet and accessible,
When others tell you that you have an addiction
You shrug your shoulders and give them the bird,
You’ve allowed this demon to take over your life
And now your spiraling out of control
Down a path you never thought you’d up end at
Now you’re laying there in the cold and darkness
Wondering where things went wrong
And why nobody is hanging around you
You’ve allowed this demon to take control
Allowed it to tell you many lies
Now you here, all alone
Wondering if anyone still cares
Don’t lose hope when all seem lost
For you have a Mighty God
Who is still looking out for you
Grab His hand that He is stretching out towards you
And He’ll pull you out from this darkness of despair
This demon that has taken over your life
Will be vanquished by His mighty word
So whenever you start to believe in this demon’s lies
And find yourself pushing others away
Just know you are not alone
Addiction it consumes tons of people every day
Don’t fall into the demon’s web of lies
There is hope for you yet
Just give Him a chance
And He’ll save you from wanting more and more
Of those nasty accessible things.

©2017 Alexandra19

The Whispers Begin

Written on December 15, 2016

(*)
Midnight, and the whispers begin
As I lie in the cold darkness
Their words play over and over
Inside my head
Whose to blame for what happens next
When I decide to go on a killer spree
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
Their blood stains the glitter white snow
Their words will no longer matter
But I stand here in the darkness
Holding this broken blade
And hearing their voices in my head
I never thought dead people could speak
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
I’m drowning in my tears
As dawn approaches
I’ll never be able to forget their words
But it’s midnight and the whispers begin
As the snow starts to fall
I too will stain the snow red.

©2017 Alexandra19

Icy Fingers

Written on August 11, 2015

(*)
Icy fingers silently creep across the sky,
You can see them,
You know they’re there,
Whenever they brush against your bare skin,
You can see them move the branches in the trees.
(Wind)

But you can’t see these icy fingers,
The ones that snake their way into your life,
Into the depths of your mind,
The only fingers that are able to,
Wrap themselves around your mind.
(Words)

Icy fingers causes you to doubt,
Doubt the truth from the lies,
They squeeze and tighten,
So then you can’t tell right from wrong,
Icy fingers work their way downwards.
(Manipulation)

To your heart they go,
When the heart becomes troubled,
You better be ready,
Ready for a hell of a storm,
A wave of confusion and aching will come.
(Heartache)

Not knowing what to do?
Where can you go?
You’re aching all over
Icy fingers causing chaos in your life,
Icy fingers crushing your soul.
(Confusion)

You’re left with nothing,
Icy fingers have ruined your life,
You’re a being without any life,
They have caused this to happen,
You are a being in the ground without a heartbeat.
(Death)

(*)
This poem is about the words that people say to you. These words are like an unknown seen force that makes its way into your mind, where it causes you to doubt yourself. The words in parentheses are what the ‘icy fingers’ are. For example ‘The only fingers that are able to, Wrap themselves around your mind. (Words)’ The word in parentheses tells you what the lines before it is all about.

©2017 Alexandra19

Fear Of The Unknown

Written on January 4, 2015

(*)
Tension is high,
Feelings are hurt,

Words are said that weren’t meant to be,
Trust is broken,
Relationships are lost,
Nothing is right and it’s all my fault,

Because of one slip up,
And everything went falling downhill,

I screwed up so now I’m broken,
Lost, confused and wondering,
Why did this have to happen to me,

Is anyone out there,
To hear me plead for this to stop,
But I feel as though I’m falling down a deep hole,
That only gets deeper as I try to escape,

But somewhere in this darkest hole I see faint light,
That peaks out between the cracks in the wall,
I tread towards it,

Wanting a way out of this darkness,
Then I hear a voice,
That says “Come, let me heal you.
Let me bring you out of this darkness.”

I want to follow Him, but some things hold me back:
The fear of accepting the unknown,

The fear of making a mistake and failing,
Of making the lost relationships become unreachable,
Making the broken trust become shattered,
And become unrepairable,

Never being accepted as who I really am,
Always having to wear a mask and hide,
Hide my true self.

But can you show me the way out of this impending darkness,
Or will I be lost to despair forever?

(*)
This poem is talking about how I fear the unknown; the unknown of what’s to happen in the future. I feel like I’ve screwed up with the relationships that I have had, by the things I did or said. But I know that’s not true, because there’s a God who shines His light through the darkness and He extends His hands towards me, telling me that everything will be alright. He tells me that I don’t have to worry about the unknown because He has it all under control. 

©2017 Alexandra19

What Went Wrong?

Written on January 4, 2014

(*)
Have you noticed
that whenever I’ve tried to show you love,
you sometimes push me away?
You’ve never really given thought about
how much it hurts me when you push me away.
I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking
‘Is it something that I’m doing wrong?’
When you push me away.
I want to get closer to you and have your love,
but how can I when you push me away.
What if it isn’t me?
What if it’s you, who can’t really show your love?
So you push me away.
When we start to get close to each other,
you show your love towards me
but then something goes wrong and you push me away.
I wish we could love each other till the end of time,
but you kept pushing me away.
What is wrong?
Why won’t you show me your love?
So instead of showing me your love you push me away.

*
This poem talks about my relationship with my father. I yearned for his love and his affection but I never received it. I tried to love him and show him that I was a ‘good’ person who deserved his love. But everytime I did something wrong he’d push me away and show me that I was unloved. He never said to me he didn’t love me but his actions told me otherwise. So I wish he’d love me for who I was but he never did.
©2017 Alexandra19

Who Am I Really?

Written on May 31, 2014

(*)
Pieces of my heart are missing,
My mind is engulfed in smoke,
Can’t think straight,
I’m screaming out for help,
For help that I know won’t come.
My heart is aching for someone to love me
To love me for who I really am.
But every day I put on this mask
And build this wall inside my mind,
So than no one can see who I really am.
Is there anyone out there
Who cares enough to get close to me
To see who I really am?
I really am this sweetest person you’ll ever know
But I put on this mask because
Because I’ve been told many hurtful things,
I’ve been told I’m not supposed to be like this,
So I pretend so no one will know,
Will know who I really am.

(*)

This poem talks about how I put on a fake mask whenever I’m around other people. I’m wishing for someone to notice and love me for who I really am. I wonder if there’s anyone out there who’ll take the time to really get to know the real me? I’ve been told many times before that being my true self is wrong, so I put on this fake mask so then no one will ever know who I really am.

©2017 Alexandra19

What’s Left

Written on January 4, 2015

(*)
Here I lie in a broken world that can’t be put back together
What a mess I created
What’s left is a fading memory
Of a once strong and mighty girl

She’s left to defend what little strength she has left
To keep hold of what little sanity she has
Some say ‘Words mean nothing.’

‘Words are just words.’
But oh how they are wrong
Words sting like a blade cut across the skin

They’re like a slap to the face
You can never ever forget what a person said to you
I’m left dying from this gaping hole in my heart
That no one can repair now
My mind is far too dangerous to unlock

I can’t speak for fear of the trouble that’ll unfold onto me
Wish for something better than right now

How can I change when everyone is against me
How can I speak without being judged?

How do I show I truly care?
They are leading me to my impending doom
Where I’ll surely die before my time is supposed to end
It doesn’t really look like any other option,

But there’s something better to do with my life than that
But in the grim of time my options don’t look so great
Most of the time wishing for a way out

But no one will help, they are only dragging me down
I wanna be strong, wanna be brave
But I’m shot down for speaking out
Shot down for standing out
No one gives a damn for me anymore

They think they know what’s best
But do they really?
They say I don’t care
But they don’t know me
Would they be better off without me here

I’m starting to think so
My time here may end before it’s supposed to end
I’m driving towards the brink of insanity
Of losing my mind

(If I haven’t already, it may be too late)
So at least let me say my goodbyes
Let everyone hear the last cries of the soul they tore down

Let them remember how they were the ones
Who caused her to leave.
If they can go on without me here,
Then I’m sorry I wasted my breathe all these years.

(*)

This poem talks about how I am left to mend my broken heart. I have been hurt by the hurtful words that other people kept telling me. Then the saying ‘words are just words, they can’t hurt you,’ well that’s not true at all. Once you say something spiteful to someone else that person will never forget what you said to them and how it made them feel. It’s hard for me to change my ways when there’s people who are always against me. How can I show them that I care about other people when they’re the ones who are bringing me down.

©2017 Alexandra19

I’m Being Forgotten

Written on August 19, 2017

(*)
Alone, sad, gloomy
Once loved but not anymore
Seen but not heard
Heard but not seen
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Withholding, left out, cast aside
Once mighty and strong
Cursed and swore
Sought revenge
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Me, myself, and I
All once loved
We cried night and day
But no one cared
I’m being Forgotten,

*
You, yourself
Could hardly imagine
The turmoil within
This dying soul
I’m being Forgotten,

*
I’m left here
I’ve been forgotten
In this isolated place
In the depth of my mind
I’m being Forgotten,

*
My Savior, my God
Can you hear my cries?
You’re so out of reach
I’ve slipped out of your hand,
I’m being Forgotten,

*
Where were you?
When I fell into darkness
You have drifted away
From my sight, now I’m crying
Because I’m being Forgotten.

©2017 Alexandra19

Crossroads

Written on April 2, 2017

(*)
I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad,
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Wondering where this journey of mine shall end,
But for now I’m left to defend
What no longer matters
Because I have been picking the wrong battles

I’ve been fighting for a lost cause,
I haven’t had time to pause
And think about what lies ahead,
I think I might have been misled

By those who no longer want me
Because they said I’m like a key
That has no door to unlock
But why must you stand there and mock?

I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Thinking to myself ‘how did things end up like this,’
Why am I falling into this abyss?
Where there’s no end in sight
What happened to the light?

Where is my saving grace?
When I come to this dark and cold place
Who’ll dare to venture forth and save
Me from this tidal wave?

I walk to and fro
Not knowing where to go
Until I come upon my crossroad
It feels like I’ve been roaming around the globe

Not knowing what to do
Or where to go
But when I come upon my crossroad
I’ll need to know how to unload

The weight of the world
Off my shoulders and become merged
With my true self
And become one with myself.

©2017 Alexandra19

In This World Of Mine

Written on April 13, 2017

(*)
In this world of mine
My screams go unnoticed
When everything seemed so fine,
But now I’m at the point where my heart has been broken

When the sun goes down
These fears of mine begin to rise
I feel like crying, but I feel like I’m about to drown
In these wasted goodbyes,

I just want to hide away
Because in my sorrows I’d rather wear a disguise
Than be betrayed
Because these fears of mine have begun to rise,

When the battle begins
And their swords are being drawn
Something begins to ache from within
Who can I depend on,

When all falls apart?
Who will mend this broken soul,
When my sanity falls apart?
My life line is being sucked into a black hole,

When will my savior come around?
This fighting has been going on without any end in sight,
I feel like I’m about to drown
Their battle cries cause me to take flight

And the clashing of their swords echo in my ears
The years go by but the only thing
That is shed is tears
They have left me to cling

Onto my life. When will my savior come?
My mind can’t comprehend why there must be war,
Am I just bound to become part of the slums?
Will my savior come and take me so far

Away from this battle ground?
Blood has been spilt from their hands
And they’ve inflicted too many wounds
Because all they wanted was to have some sort of command,

But there came no such thing, but what little hope remains
I’d like to make it last, but what happened to the mighty calvary?
When their horses come charging past like a speeding train,
What’s left in their wake is a family in agony,

In this world of mine
My screams go unnoticed
When everything seemed so fine,
But now I’m at the point where my heart has been broken

Where is my savior?
Has she left me to defend myself against their mighty army?
I feel like I’m just a failure
Because I have become lost on this journey

That was not meant to be, but am I to suffer at their hands,
Or am I bound to just become part of the damn?

©2017 Alexandra19

Behind These Bedroom Doors

Written on August 24-25, 2015

(*)
What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know.
For within these bedroom walls,
My heart cries out,
It aches at the sound of the constant yelling,
When the night draws near,
I fear these demons that lie around me,
They turn the lies into chaos,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Only my ears have heard,
Heard my tears that I cry every single night,
Tears of anger, sadness, and confusion,
Wondering what went wrong,
Am I at fault for the things that go on,
In my world,
Who can I turn to?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one can comprehend,
The anger that boils deep own within me,
You can’t seem to understand the reason why,
Why I struggle to do so good,
I block out the pain,
But in turn block out the goodness I have had,
What’s wrong with me?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who’ll understand?
Am I a mistake in your eyes,
Something you can’t undue.
I cry the night away,
Wondering if the world of mine has fallen,
Fallen in to a crazy mess,
My life is in complete ruins.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
What goes on inside of this mind of mine,
Will anyone come and save this hurting soul,
No one will ever understand why I don’t show my love,
Or show this tender heart that yearns for compassion,
Won’t you oh Lord come to my aide,
I pray that you will.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who can I tell my feelings to?
When the yelling starts,
I retreat to the corners of my room,
And wish for the morning to come,
For when the darkness comes,
I fear the tension that rises in the night,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will know unless they dare,
Dare to venture forth into this different world of mine,
This world were a young woman wonders about the world’s mysteries,
Wondering why she’s picked out from the crowd,
Wondering why she’s not seen or heard at times,
Will you oh Lord come to this hurting soul,
What lies behind these bedroom doors,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
Unless they stop,
Stop the constant fighting,
And began to recall,
The reasons why I run to my bedroom,
When the sun goes down,
I’ll fear the tension that’ll rise in the night time air.

(*)

I wrote this poem the day after my mom and her ex-boyfriend, Jason, were fighting with each other. I wrote this poem basically saying that no one will ever know what lies behind my bedroom doors unless they stop their constant yelling and begin to notice that what their doing is not right. But it seems like only I can hear my cries and screams, it feels like there’s nobody I can turn to without having feeling that I’m the source of their pain. There’s something that goes on behind these bedroom doors when the night draws near and the yelling starts to happen again.

©2017 Alexandra19

Demons, They’re Out There

Written on August 14, 2015

(*)
Demons, they’re out there,
Waiting to strike out in the dark,
When I lay in my bed,
I can sense them,
Their voices make their way
Into my already troubled mind,
Their thoughts become my thoughts,
Making me wonder,
Does anyone else hear them?

Darkness consumes my mind,
I’m falling into a deep abyss,
Where there’s no escape,
My dreams become nightmares,
My eyes are blurred with these tears of defeat,
Demons, they’re out there,
Can’t you sense them?

They love to pull at my heart,
They’re tearing it apart,
Their voices screaming into my ear,
Making me doubt myself,
I fear the never ending darkness,
When darkness comes, it brings along something else,
Something that is waiting to strike out in the moonlight.

Demons, they are out there,
Waiting to strike in the dark,
I can sense them,
So why can’t you,
I’ve screamed for you to help me,
But you just looked away,
You let them snatch me away in the dark.

Do you not care anymore,
Where is the light when all goes dark,
I’m suffocating on my fear of them,
Demons, they are out there,
They’ve gotten a hold of me now,
Whenever I lay in bed, they are with me,
They are out there, waiting to strike at those who oppose.

Demons, they’re out there,
Be on guard for them,
For when the sun goes down,
It’s time for the demons to play,
To come out and strike,
Strike out in the never ending darkness,
Demons, they’re out there…..

(*)

This poem talks about the fears that swarm in my head. It tells how I dread the night, because it feels like there’s something that is waiting to strike out in the dark. I’ve gone insane, wanting someone to notice me struggling with the darkness that overwhelms my mind. I am wanting to know if anyone else can see the demons that circle around me and cause me pain and agony? Demons they are out there, so you better watch out, for if you don’t, you too will be ensnared by them.

©2017 Alexandra19

How Can I Explain?

Written on April 9, 2017

(*)
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That is tearing me apart,
I thought I could continue on living like this
But the truth is…I can’t,
There’s something that you’ll never be able to understand
That within this mind of mine,
There’s a demon that’s wanting to escape,
I thought I could contain it for a while longer
But the time has come when its bondages are breaking,
When this demon break loose
Who then will be safe?
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That’s tearing me apart?
When will you notice these tears
That are flowing down my face?
Who will dare venture forth and see
That I’m just broken,
And wanting someone to notice
This deep aching pain that is tearing me apart,
Who’ll come to my rescue when I start to fade away?
Won’t you see that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m done living in this isolate place,
Who will see and take charge on healing this broken heart
And mend what is shattered?

©2017 Alexandra19

I Slowly Wait

This poem shows how I was feeling when my grandma was dying from cancer. There were times, during the early stages of the cancer growth, when she wasn’t as sick and she wanted to spend time with me but I pushed her away. I regret not spending those precious moments with her. I sometimes cry for the loss of my grandma and the guilt of not spending the time with her when she was alive and not as sick.

Written on March 5, 2012

(*)
The time ticks by as I slowly wait
Slowly wait for you to come home
Back home where I wait for you,
As the time slowly ticks by
We both are hurting
As I slowly wait for you to come home,
I don’t believe your time is done
Your time to stay with me
For you and I still have things to do together,
I know I missed out on most of our time together
I regret not spending more time with you
You needed me then
But I wasn’t there
So now you need me more than ever,
I won’t forget your wonderful smile
And you won’t forget mine,
The days seem dark
Dark without you here with me
But I think I see
See you leaving
Leaving me here alone
Alone because you are now fading
But this is not what I want,
As I scream out in pain
Because you are leaving me here
I want you to know how much I miss you
I don’t want to think about this now
I try to act brave
But the tears keep flowing
As I cry aloud
I don’t want to believe you are leaving me behind
I won’t believe any of this.

©2017 Alexandra19

Don’t Let It In

Written on September 6, 2016

This poem talks about how I feel while I’m depressed and I feel like nothing matters anymore. I had struggled with depression for most of my childhood and it wasn’t until just recently that I’ve realized that my life matters to other people. So I decided to fight for my life and I have overcome the battle with depression and so now I’m happier and have something that I want to live for.

(*)

There’s something knocking at the door
Wanting me to let it in,
I hear it’s voice saying ‘I can make the pain go away, just let me in.’
I can’t make myself open up the door
But all I want is for my suffering to end ‘Let me in, I’ll make it stop.’
Says the demon ‘I know how you’re feeling.’
I slowly trudge towards the door
And when I open it, darkness surrounds me
Unfolding its fiery and madness
I fall to my knees, crying out in despair
It’s web of lies fill my mind
What have I become,
What have I done?
Who will save this shattered body
Whose mind is no longer sane,
When I fall into the abyss of insanity
And I can no longer comprehend the truth from the lies
Who will come to my rescue?
When I am tormented day after day by this demon
Who is feeding me poisonous words,
I can’t escape this demon
When I heard that knocking at my door I should have said no.
Now I’m stuck with this demon
Who’ll play with my strings and pull at my life line
When it said to let it in
I should have turned around
But now that this door has been opened
There’s no stopping it from coming again
I’ve become nothing but an empty shell
With nothing left but this small strand of string
And when it’s cut,
Down….down….down I’ll fall
Into my grave
And into the never ending darkness
For when I hear the demon knocking at my door
Wanting me to let it in
I should remember not to open it
Or else I’ll become a pile of bones in the ground.

Copyright © 2017 Alexandra19

As The Night Drags On…

Written on August 7, 2016
1:20am-1:36am

(*)

As the night slowly drags on
I lay in my bed, silently crying
Crying these tears of sorrow and pain
Thinking on how I’ve hurt others
And they too me
But these tears I cry
Are tears of how I could have made things better
Could have done something differently
But didn’t
So as the night drags on my stomach twists and turns
Aching so much it makes me cry even more
These tears I silently cry
No one will ever hear
Not knowing what lies behind this bedroom door
For when the sun goes down
And the stars come out
I start to cry
Wondering where my comforter is at
Wondering where things went wrong
Why must I ache all over?
Losing sleep as I worry and worry
As the night drags on and time slips by
I cry knowing I really can’t talk to anyone
Losing hope in those around me
Who’ll come to my rescue
And save me from this never ending night
Because when the sun goes down
And the stars come out
I start to cry the night away.

Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19

Time Passes By

Written on March 13, 2016

(*)

Time passes by
Hour by hour
Minute by minute
But for me, I’m frozen in time
There’s no words that could describe
The hurt I’ve been feeling,
Wanting you to notice
That this pain comes when you turn away
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time
Waiting for the light to shine through this darkness,

Where are you
When all seems lost and in dismayed
Won’t you help me?
I’m losing hope in humanity
Blood has been spilled
Bodies pile up
From these never ending wars,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time
Watching as the world goes by
And I slowly fade away
In sickness or in health
Till death do us part
We’ll always have each other
But I’m frozen in time
As you move forward with your life
While I struggle to find my way out
Out of this hell hole,
Won’t you rescue this fading soul
Or will you let me fade away forever
Until I’m nothing but bones,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time.
While I struggle to find my way out
Out of this hell hole,
Won’t you rescue this fading soul
Or will you let me fade away
Until I’m nothing but bones,
Time passes by
But for me, I’m frozen in time.

Copyright ©2017 Alexandra19