I’m Still Crazy

Written on August 7, 2018

9:31pm-9:45pm

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore,

Oh how you’re so wrong

Even after all these years

Even with all these medications

I’m still insane,

I still hear voices whispering in my ear

And see shadows lurking in the corner of my eyes

And on some days I still feel like skipping out on life

How I wish for this pain to end!

You think I’m cured

Or at least not as crazy anymore

I may seem good

And happy on the outside

But on the inside

I’m broken and hurting,

I’ve wanted to yell and scream out loud

But I know nobody will listen

So I keep my pain on the inside

And I suffer alone,

I’m not cured

I’ve lost my sanity many years ago

So to you who thinks they know me

How little they do,

For on the outside I seem fine

But on the inside I’m yearning for attention

And all you’ll do is turn a blind eye on my pleas

So when you ask me what’s wrong

I’ll just lie

You think I’m cured

Or at least not crazy anymore

Oh how I wish I could tell you were wrong.

Saving Her?

Written on January 6-7, 2017

(*)
The blood runs down her arms like water on rocks
She sees that there’s no hope left in her life
Because every day she’s belittled and abused
By those she thought she could call family
They tell her she’s wasn’t even supposed to be born
So here she is 16 years later, staring at the knife in her hand

She wanders why nobody bothered to take her hand
And bothered to take her past these raggedy rocks
She wishes she could have been born
Into a world where her very life
Was something special and appreciated by a family
Who didn’t have to use her and abused

Her. All she wanted was to be loved, but all she got was endless abuse
For within her world, all she saw was the back of her father’s hand
That smile she once held, no longer existed, she just wanted to a new family
In a place where she’s not surrounded by jagged rocks
There’s a moment in time where she thought about how her life
Was meant for something much more, she wishes she wasn’t born

She was trying to figure out why she was born,
She was tired of all of this relentless abuse
Was she just meant to live a life
Or was she meant to bare these scars on her hands
She thought about jumping out onto these rugged rocks
But she keep thinking about a life with a family

That she could have. A loving family
In which she was born
In, but these rugged rocks
Have kept her in this place of abuse
‘Please oh guardian angel, won’t you take my hand?
Take me away from this terrible life?’

She cries out. But this is the life
She was born in and the family
Who doesn’t care about the scars on her hands
Why couldn’t she have been born
In a place where there isn’t abuse
A place over these jagged rocks

She tried to take her life
Because of what her family
Has has put into her hands.

©2017 Alexandra19

Trust This Smile Not

Written on April 18, 2018
4:49pm-5:00pm

(*)
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Cause this appearance can be misleading
I’ve put on this mask way to many times to count,
And now I’m starting to believe in it,
But trust this smile not,
For behind this smile is a damaged soul
A soul whose light is fading away,
This smile you see now isn’t real
Because it doesn’t reach my heart,
Trust this smile not,
For appearances can be misleading
I’ve said ‘I’m ok….I’m not suffering….’ too many times
But none of it is the truth,
Cause i am suffering and I’m not ok,
Trust this smile not,
Don’t let this smile fool you
Behind this smile you’ll see a girl crying out for help
But none will come to sweep her off her feet
Trust this smile not,
This smile that you see now, is hiding a world of hurt and pain
But you’ll never be able to notice it,
Cause this smile that you see isn’t real,
But it’s convincing enough to reassure you everything is alright
Trust this smile not,
Because if you do, I’ll just lie about my pain
But I can’t lie to myself on how I really feel.

©2018 Alexandra19

I’ve Been Told…

Written on March 6, 2018 

(*)

I’ve been told that crying was unacceptable,
that showing any sort of emotion is wrong
So I built a wall within my mind
To keep these emotions from seeping out,
But this wall can’t prevent emotions from coming in
So if I start to cry, I make myself stop,
Because you’ve told me crying was unacceptable
You kept telling me that straighten up my act
To stop acting like a baby,
So now I don’t allow myself to cry in front of you or others
But I so desperately need to tell you how I’m feeling
But I act like nothing’s wrong
Cause you’ve told me that showing any sort of emotions is wrong
I can no longer contain these tears that flow from my eyes
But I wipe them away when you look my way,
For if you were to see this broken-hearted gal,
What would you think?
But instead I smile and say that I’m alright
Because crying is unacceptable and showing emotion is wrong.

©2018 Alexandra19

Losing Control

Written on March 6, 2017

(*)
Can’t hold it in any more
Gonna lose control
Who’s to blame
When the demon takes over me
I’m letting go of hope
Can’t think straight
My heart has been ripped out of my chest
By the words that you said to me
I’ve been given too many labels to count
I’m no longer defined as my own self
But as a mistake of my past
I can’t see part this storm of darkness
That hides the fact that I’m in loved
But who will save me from my nightmares
And take me away from this hellish place
Is my fate sealed to just be a loner
Or am I just set to be a failure?

©2017 Alexandra19

Addiction

Written on May 25, 2016

(*)
Addiction, it’s a demon that takes control of you
Once you start, it’ll never let you go
You’ll become ensnared in it’s web of lies
With no where to go but downwards
This demon makes it hard for you to stop
It tells you many lies and manipulates the truth
That everybody tell you
Once you start, it’s harder to stop
Even when you want to
This demon tells you are worthless
That no body cares that you are suffering
But in reality they do,
This demon tugs at you mind
And isolates you from the rest of the world
You start to believe in the demon
When it’s lies starts to sound believable
So you allow the demon to take control
And you are wanting more and more
Of what ever you find closet and accessible,
When others tell you that you have an addiction
You shrug your shoulders and give them the bird,
You’ve allowed this demon to take over your life
And now your spiraling out of control
Down a path you never thought you’d up end at
Now you’re laying there in the cold and darkness
Wondering where things went wrong
And why nobody is hanging around you
You’ve allowed this demon to take control
Allowed it to tell you many lies
Now you here, all alone
Wondering if anyone still cares
Don’t lose hope when all seem lost
For you have a Mighty God
Who is still looking out for you
Grab His hand that He is stretching out towards you
And He’ll pull you out from this darkness of despair
This demon that has taken over your life
Will be vanquished by His mighty word
So whenever you start to believe in this demon’s lies
And find yourself pushing others away
Just know you are not alone
Addiction it consumes tons of people every day
Don’t fall into the demon’s web of lies
There is hope for you yet
Just give Him a chance
And He’ll save you from wanting more and more
Of those nasty accessible things.

©2017 Alexandra19

The Whispers Begin

Written on December 15, 2016

(*)
Midnight, and the whispers begin
As I lie in the cold darkness
Their words play over and over
Inside my head
Whose to blame for what happens next
When I decide to go on a killer spree
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
Their blood stains the glitter white snow
Their words will no longer matter
But I stand here in the darkness
Holding this broken blade
And hearing their voices in my head
I never thought dead people could speak
It’s midnight, and the whispers begin
I’m drowning in my tears
As dawn approaches
I’ll never be able to forget their words
But it’s midnight and the whispers begin
As the snow starts to fall
I too will stain the snow red.

©2017 Alexandra19

Icy Fingers

Written on August 11, 2015

(*)
Icy fingers silently creep across the sky,
You can see them,
You know they’re there,
Whenever they brush against your bare skin,
You can see them move the branches in the trees.
(Wind)

But you can’t see these icy fingers,
The ones that snake their way into your life,
Into the depths of your mind,
The only fingers that are able to,
Wrap themselves around your mind.
(Words)

Icy fingers causes you to doubt,
Doubt the truth from the lies,
They squeeze and tighten,
So then you can’t tell right from wrong,
Icy fingers work their way downwards.
(Manipulation)

To your heart they go,
When the heart becomes troubled,
You better be ready,
Ready for a hell of a storm,
A wave of confusion and aching will come.
(Heartache)

Not knowing what to do?
Where can you go?
You’re aching all over
Icy fingers causing chaos in your life,
Icy fingers crushing your soul.
(Confusion)

You’re left with nothing,
Icy fingers have ruined your life,
You’re a being without any life,
They have caused this to happen,
You are a being in the ground without a heartbeat.
(Death)

(*)
This poem is about the words that people say to you. These words are like an unknown seen force that makes its way into your mind, where it causes you to doubt yourself. The words in parentheses are what the ‘icy fingers’ are. For example ‘The only fingers that are able to, Wrap themselves around your mind. (Words)’ The word in parentheses tells you what the lines before it is all about.

©2017 Alexandra19

Behind These Bedroom Doors

Written on August 24-25, 2015

(*)
What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know.
For within these bedroom walls,
My heart cries out,
It aches at the sound of the constant yelling,
When the night draws near,
I fear these demons that lie around me,
They turn the lies into chaos,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Only my ears have heard,
Heard my tears that I cry every single night,
Tears of anger, sadness, and confusion,
Wondering what went wrong,
Am I at fault for the things that go on,
In my world,
Who can I turn to?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one can comprehend,
The anger that boils deep own within me,
You can’t seem to understand the reason why,
Why I struggle to do so good,
I block out the pain,
But in turn block out the goodness I have had,
What’s wrong with me?

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who’ll understand?
Am I a mistake in your eyes,
Something you can’t undue.
I cry the night away,
Wondering if the world of mine has fallen,
Fallen in to a crazy mess,
My life is in complete ruins.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
What goes on inside of this mind of mine,
Will anyone come and save this hurting soul,
No one will ever understand why I don’t show my love,
Or show this tender heart that yearns for compassion,
Won’t you oh Lord come to my aide,
I pray that you will.

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
Who can I tell my feelings to?
When the yelling starts,
I retreat to the corners of my room,
And wish for the morning to come,
For when the darkness comes,
I fear the tension that rises in the night,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will know unless they dare,
Dare to venture forth into this different world of mine,
This world were a young woman wonders about the world’s mysteries,
Wondering why she’s picked out from the crowd,
Wondering why she’s not seen or heard at times,
Will you oh Lord come to this hurting soul,
What lies behind these bedroom doors,

What lies behind these bedroom doors,
No one will ever know,
Unless they stop,
Stop the constant fighting,
And began to recall,
The reasons why I run to my bedroom,
When the sun goes down,
I’ll fear the tension that’ll rise in the night time air.

(*)

I wrote this poem the day after my mom and her ex-boyfriend, Jason, were fighting with each other. I wrote this poem basically saying that no one will ever know what lies behind my bedroom doors unless they stop their constant yelling and begin to notice that what their doing is not right. But it seems like only I can hear my cries and screams, it feels like there’s nobody I can turn to without having feeling that I’m the source of their pain. There’s something that goes on behind these bedroom doors when the night draws near and the yelling starts to happen again.

©2017 Alexandra19

Demons, They’re Out There

Written on August 14, 2015

(*)
Demons, they’re out there,
Waiting to strike out in the dark,
When I lay in my bed,
I can sense them,
Their voices make their way
Into my already troubled mind,
Their thoughts become my thoughts,
Making me wonder,
Does anyone else hear them?

Darkness consumes my mind,
I’m falling into a deep abyss,
Where there’s no escape,
My dreams become nightmares,
My eyes are blurred with these tears of defeat,
Demons, they’re out there,
Can’t you sense them?

They love to pull at my heart,
They’re tearing it apart,
Their voices screaming into my ear,
Making me doubt myself,
I fear the never ending darkness,
When darkness comes, it brings along something else,
Something that is waiting to strike out in the moonlight.

Demons, they are out there,
Waiting to strike in the dark,
I can sense them,
So why can’t you,
I’ve screamed for you to help me,
But you just looked away,
You let them snatch me away in the dark.

Do you not care anymore,
Where is the light when all goes dark,
I’m suffocating on my fear of them,
Demons, they are out there,
They’ve gotten a hold of me now,
Whenever I lay in bed, they are with me,
They are out there, waiting to strike at those who oppose.

Demons, they’re out there,
Be on guard for them,
For when the sun goes down,
It’s time for the demons to play,
To come out and strike,
Strike out in the never ending darkness,
Demons, they’re out there…..

(*)

This poem talks about the fears that swarm in my head. It tells how I dread the night, because it feels like there’s something that is waiting to strike out in the dark. I’ve gone insane, wanting someone to notice me struggling with the darkness that overwhelms my mind. I am wanting to know if anyone else can see the demons that circle around me and cause me pain and agony? Demons they are out there, so you better watch out, for if you don’t, you too will be ensnared by them.

©2017 Alexandra19

How Can I Explain?

Written on April 9, 2017

(*)
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That is tearing me apart,
I thought I could continue on living like this
But the truth is…I can’t,
There’s something that you’ll never be able to understand
That within this mind of mine,
There’s a demon that’s wanting to escape,
I thought I could contain it for a while longer
But the time has come when its bondages are breaking,
When this demon break loose
Who then will be safe?
How can I explain this deep aching pain?
That’s tearing me apart?
When will you notice these tears
That are flowing down my face?
Who will dare venture forth and see
That I’m just broken,
And wanting someone to notice
This deep aching pain that is tearing me apart,
Who’ll come to my rescue when I start to fade away?
Won’t you see that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m done living in this isolate place,
Who will see and take charge on healing this broken heart
And mend what is shattered?

©2017 Alexandra19

Don’t Let It In

Written on September 6, 2016

This poem talks about how I feel while I’m depressed and I feel like nothing matters anymore. I had struggled with depression for most of my childhood and it wasn’t until just recently that I’ve realized that my life matters to other people. So I decided to fight for my life and I have overcome the battle with depression and so now I’m happier and have something that I want to live for.

(*)

There’s something knocking at the door
Wanting me to let it in,
I hear it’s voice saying ‘I can make the pain go away, just let me in.’
I can’t make myself open up the door
But all I want is for my suffering to end ‘Let me in, I’ll make it stop.’
Says the demon ‘I know how you’re feeling.’
I slowly trudge towards the door
And when I open it, darkness surrounds me
Unfolding its fiery and madness
I fall to my knees, crying out in despair
It’s web of lies fill my mind
What have I become,
What have I done?
Who will save this shattered body
Whose mind is no longer sane,
When I fall into the abyss of insanity
And I can no longer comprehend the truth from the lies
Who will come to my rescue?
When I am tormented day after day by this demon
Who is feeding me poisonous words,
I can’t escape this demon
When I heard that knocking at my door I should have said no.
Now I’m stuck with this demon
Who’ll play with my strings and pull at my life line
When it said to let it in
I should have turned around
But now that this door has been opened
There’s no stopping it from coming again
I’ve become nothing but an empty shell
With nothing left but this small strand of string
And when it’s cut,
Down….down….down I’ll fall
Into my grave
And into the never ending darkness
For when I hear the demon knocking at my door
Wanting me to let it in
I should remember not to open it
Or else I’ll become a pile of bones in the ground.

Copyright © 2017 Alexandra19